Ten Things I Hate About You (1999)

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PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Welcome to Padua High School,, your typical urban-suburban
high school in Portland, Oregon.  Smarties, Skids, Preppies,
Granolas. Loners, Lovers, the In and the Out Crowd rub sleep
out of their eyes and head for the main building.

PADUA HIGH PARKING LOT - DAY

KAT STRATFORD, eighteen, pretty -- but trying hard not to be
-- in a baggy granny dress and glasses, balances a cup of
coffee and a backpack as she climbs out of her battered,
baby blue '75 Dodge Dart.

A stray SKATEBOARD clips her, causing her to stumble and
spill her coffee, as well as the contents of her backpack.

The young RIDER dashes over to help, trembling when he sees
who his board has hit.

  RIDER
 Hey -- sorry.

Cowering in fear, he attempts to scoop up her scattered
belongings.

  KAT
 Leave it

He persists.

  KAT (continuing)
 I said, leave it!

She grabs his skateboard and uses it to SHOVE him against a
car, skateboard tip to his throat.  He whimpers pitifully
and she lets him go.  A path clears for her as she marches
through a pack of fearful students and SLAMS open the door,
entering school.

INT. GIRLS' ROOM - DAY

BIANCA STRATFORD, a beautiful sophomore, stands facing the
mirror, applying lipstick.  Her less extraordinary, but
still cute friend, CHASTITY stands next to her.

  BIANCA
 Did you change your hair?

  CHASTITY
 No.

  BIANCA
 You might wanna think about it

Leave the girls' room and enter the hallway.

HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS

Bianca is immediately greeted by an admiring crowd, both
boys
and girls alike.

  BOY
  (adoring)
 Hey, Bianca.

  GIRL
 Awesome shoes.

The greetings continue as Chastity remains wordless and
unaddressed by her side.  Bianca smiles proudly,
acknowledging her fans.

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

CAMERON JAMES, a clean-cut, easy-going senior with an open,
farm-boy face, sits facing Miss Perky, an impossibly cheery
guidance counselor.

  MISS PERKY
 I'm sure you won't find Padua any
 different than your old school.  Same
 little asswipe mother-fuckers
 everywhere.

Her plastic smile never leaves her face.  Cameron fidgets in
his chair uncomfortably.

  MISS PERKY
  (continuing)
 Any questions?

  CAMERON
 I don't think so, ma'am

  MISS PERKY
 Then go forth.  Scoot   I've got
 deviants to see.

Cameron rises to leave and makes eye contact with PATRICK
VERONA, a sullen-looking bad ass senior who waits outside Ms
Perky's door.  His slouch and smirk let us know how cool he
is.

Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Patrick

  MISS PERKY
  (continuing)
 Patrick Verona.  I see we're making our
 visits a weekly ritual.

She gives him a withering glance. He answers with a charming
smile.

  PATRICK
 I missed you.

  MISS PERKY
 It says here you exposed yourself to a
 group of freshmen girls.

  PATRICK
 It was a bratwurst.  I was eating
 lunch.

  MISS PERKY
 With the teeth of your zipper?

She motions for Patrick to enter her office and Cameron
shuffles out the door, bumping into MICHAEL ECKMAN, a lanky,
brainy senior who will either end up a politician or game
show host.

  MICHAEL
 You the new guy?

  CAMERON
 So they tell me...

  MICHAEL
 C'mon.  I'm supposed to give you the
 tour.

They head out of the office

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 So -- which Dakota you from?

  CAMERON
 North, actually.  How'd you   ?

  MICHAEL
 I was kidding. People actually live
 there?

  CAMERON
 Yeah.  A couple.  We're outnumbered by
 the cows, though.

  MICHAEL
 How many people were in your old
 school?

  CAMERON
 Thirty-two.

  MICHAEL
 Get out!

  CAMERON
 How many people go here?

  MICHAEL
 Couple thousand. Most of them evil

INT. HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS

Prom posters adorn the wall. Michael steers Cameron through
the crowd as he points to various cliques.

  MICHAEL
 We've got your basic beautiful people.
 Unless they talk to you first, don't
 bother.

The beautiful people pass, in full jock/cheerleader
splendor.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 Those 're your cowboys.

Several Stetson-wearing, big belt buckle. Wrangler guys
walk by.

  CAMERON
 That I'm used to.

  MICHAEL
 Yeah, but these guys have never seen a
 horse.  They just jack off to Clint
 Eastwood.

They pass an espresso cart with a group of teens huddled
around it.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 To the right, we have the Coffee Kids.
 Very edgy.  Don't make any sudden
 movements around them.

EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Michael continues the tour

  MICHAEL
 And these delusionals are the White
 Rastae.

Several white boys in dreadlocks and Jamaican knit berets
lounge on the grass.  A cloud of pot smoke hovers above them

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 Big Marley fans.  Think they're black.
 Semi-political, but mostly, they watch a
 lot of Wild Kingdom, if you know what I
 mean.

Michael waves to DEREK, the one with the longest dreads.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 Derek - save some for after lunch, bub?

  DEREK
  (very stoned)
 Michael, my brother, peace

Cameron turns to follow Michael as they walk into the
cafeteria.

  CAMERON
 So where do you fit in all this?

INT.  CAFETERIA - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Loud music and loud students.  Michael sits with a group of
studious-looking teens.

  MICHAEL
 Future MBAs-  We're all Ivy League,
 already accepted.  Someday I'll be
 sipping Merlot while those guys --

He points to the table of jocks, as they torture various
passers-by.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 are fixing my Saab.  Yuppie greed is
 back, my friend.

He points proudly to the ALLIGATOR on his shirt.

Cameron stops listening as BIANCA walks by, and we go SLO
MO.  Pure and perfect, she passes Cameron and Michael
without a look.

Cameron is smitten

  CAMERON
 That girl -- I --

  MICHAEL
 You burn, you pine, you perish?

  CAMERON
 Who is she?

  MICHAEL
 Bianca Stratford.  Sophomore. Don't
 even think about it

  CAMERON
 Why not?

  MICHAEL
 I could start with your haircut, but it
 doesn't matter.  She's not allowed to
 date until her older sister does.  And
 that's an impossibility.

ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

A room full of bored seniors doodle and scare off into space
MS. BLAISE, the one-step-away-from-medication English
Teacher, tries to remember what she's talking about.

  MRS. BLAISE
 Well, then.  Oh, yes.  I guess that
 does it for our analysis of The Old Man
 and the Sea.  Any other comments?
  (with dread)
 Kat?

Kat, the girl we saw as we entered the school, slowly cakes
off her glasses and speaks up.

  KAT
 Why didn't we just read the Hardy Boys?

  MRS. BLAISE
 I'm sorry?

  KAT
 This book is about a guy and his
 fishing habit.  Not exactly a crucial
 topic.

The other students roll their eyes.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Frankly, I'm baffled as to why we still
 revere Hemingway.  He was an abusive,
 alcoholic misogynist who had a lot of
 cats.

JOEY DORSEY, a well-muscled jock with great cheekbones,
makes fun of her from his row.

  JOEY
 As opposed to a bitter self-righteous
 hag who has no friends?

A few giggles.  Kat ignores him.  A practiced gesture

  MRS. BLAISE
 That's enough, Mr. Dorsey.

Really gets fired up now

  KAT
 I guess the school board thinks because
 Hemingway's male and an asshole, he's
 worthy of our time

She looks up at Ms. Blaise, who is now fighting with her
pill box.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 What about Colette?  Charlotte Bronte?
 Simone de Beauvoir?

Patrick, lounging in his seat in the back row, elbows a
crusty-looking crony, identified by the name SCURVY,
embroidered on his workshirt.

  PATRICK
 Mother Goose?

The class titters.  Kat wears an expression of intolerance

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Kat now sits before Miss Perky.

  MISS PERKY
 Katarina Stratford.  My, my.  You've
 been terrorizing Ms. Blaise again.

  KAT
 Expressing my opinion is not a
 terrorist action.

  MISS PERKY
 Well, yes, compared to your other
 choices of expression this year, today's
 events are quite mild.  By the way,
 Bobby Rictor's gonad retrieval operation
 went quite well, in case you're
 interested.

  KAT
 I still maintain that he kicked himself
 in the balls.  I was merely a spectator.

  MISS PERKY
 The point is Kat -- people perceive you
 as somewhat ...

Kat smiles at her, daring her to say it.

  KAT
 Tempestuous?

  MISS PERKY
 No ... I believe "heinous bitch" is the
 term used most often.

She grimaces, as if she's referring to a medical condition.

  MISS PERKY
  (continuing)
 You might want to work on that

Kat rises from her chair with a plastic smile matching the
counselor's.

  KAT
 As always, thank you for your excellent
 guidance.

INT. SOPHOMORE ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Bianca ignores the droning teacher as she writes a note in
big flowing handwriting.

  TEACHER (0.S.)
 I realize the language of Mr.
 Shakespeare makes him a bit daunting,
 but I'm sure you're all doing your best.

Bianca folds the note and passes it behind her with a flip
of her hair to CHASTITY.  Chastity opens the note and reads:

INSERT - "JOEY DORSEY SAID HI TO ME IN THE HALL! OH! MY
GOD!"

Chastity frowns to herself.

  TEACHER (0.S.)
  (continuing)
 Ms. Stratford, do you care to comment
 on what you've read so far?

Bianca looks up and smiles the smile of Daddy's little girl.

  BIANCA
 Not really.

The teacher shakes her head, but lets it go.

MANDELLA. a waif-like senior girl who sits off to the side
trying to slit her wrist with the plastic spiral on her
notebook, looks up and raises her hand.

  TEACHER
 Mandella -- since you're assisting us,
 you might as well comment.  I'm assuming
 you read the assignment.

  MANDELLA
 Uh, yeah, I read it all

  TEACHER
 The whole play^

  MANDELIA
 The whole folio.  All the plays.

  TEACHER
  (disbelieving)
 You've read every play by William
 Shakespeare?

  MANDELLA
 Haven't you?

She raises a challenging eyebrow.  The stunned teacher
doesn't answer and goes to call on the next student.

EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Mandella and Kat sit down in the quiet corner. They are
eating a carton of yogurt with gusto.

  MANDELLA

Your sister is so amazingly without.  She'll never read him.
She has no idea.

Kat attacks

  KAT
 The fact that you're cutting gym so you
 can T.A. Sophomore English just to hear
 his name, is a little without in itself
 if you ask me.

Kat's attention is caught by Patrick as he walks by with his
friends, lighting up a cigarette.  Mandella notices her
staring.

  MANDELLA
 Who's that?

  KAT
 Patrick Verona   Random skid.

  MANDELLA
 That's Pat Verona? The one who was gone
 for a year? I heard he was doing porn
 movies.

  KAT
 I'm sure he's completely incapable of
 doing anything that interesting.

  MANDELLA
 He always look so

  KAT
 Block E?

Kat turns back to face Mandella and forces her yogurt into
Mandella's hand.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Mandella, eat.  Starving yourself is a
 very slow way to die.

  MANDELLA
 Just a little.

She eats.  Kat sees her wrist

  KAT
 What's this?

  MANDELLA
 An attempted slit.

Kat stares at her, expressionless.

  KAT
 I realize that the men of this fine
 institution are severely lacking, but
 killing yourself so you can be with
 William Shakespeare is beyond the scope
 of normal teenage obsessions.  You're
 venturing far past daytime talk show
 fodder and entering the world of those
 who need very expensive therapy.

  MANDELLA
 But imagine the things he'd say during
 sex.

Thinks a minute

  KAT
 Okay, say you do it.  You kill
 yourself, you end up in wherever you end
 up and he's there.  Do you really think
 he's gonna wanna dace a ninety pound
 compulsive who failed volleyball?

Mandella's attention is struck by Bianca

ACROSS THE COURTYARD

As she and Chastity parade by Joey and his COHORTS   One of
the cohorts elbows Joey.

  COHORT
 Virgin alert.

Joey looks up and smiles at Bianca.

  JOEY
 Lookin' good, ladies.

Bianca smiles her coyest of smiles.

BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA Still watching.

  MANDELLA
 Tragic.

Doesn't respond

ANOTHER ANGLE

Michael and Cameron observe Joey's leers at Bianca from
their bench in another corner. Cowboys eating cue of a can
of beans linger on the grass behind them.

  CAMERON
 Why do girls like that always like guys
 like that?

  MICHAEL
 Because they're bred to.  Their mothers
 liked guys like that, and their
 grandmothers before them. Their gene
 pool is rarely diluted.

  CAMERON
 He always have that shit-eating grin?

  MICHAEL
 Joey Dorsey?  Perma-shit-grin.  I wish
 I could say he's a moron, but he's
 number twelve in the class.  And a
 model.  Mostly regional stuff, but he's
 rumored to have a big tube sock ad
 coming out.

The BELL rings, and the cowboys stand and spit into their
empty bean cans.   Cameron and Michael rise as Cameron tries
to catch a glimpse of Bianca as she walks back inside.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 You know French?

  CAMERON
 Sure do ... my Mom's from Canada

  MICHAEL
 Guess who just signed up for a tutor?

  CAMERON
 You mean I'd get a chance to talk to
 her?

  MICHAEL
 You could consecrate with her, my
 friend.

Cameron watches as Bianca flounces back into the building.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

Kat and Mandella walk toward Kat's car.  Joey pulls up
beside her in his Viper.

  JOEY
  (re her dress)
 The vintage look is over, Kat. Haven't
 you been reading your Sassy?

  KAT
 Yeah, and I noticed the only part of
 you featured in your big Kmart spread
 was your elbow.  Tough break.

  JOEY
  (practically
  spitting)
 They're running the rest of me next
 month.

He zooms away as Kat yanks open the door of her Dart.
Mandella ties a silk scarf around her head, as if they're in
a convertible.

  KAT
 The people at this school are so
 incredibly foul.

  MANDELLA
 You could always go with me.  I'm sure
 William has some friends.

They watch Joey's car as he slows next to Bianca and
Chastity as they walk toward the school bus.

ON BIANCA AND CHASTITY

  JOEY
 Need a ride, ladies?

Bianca and Chastity can't get in Joey's car fast enough.  He
pulls away with a smile.

BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA

Mandella lowers her sunglasses to watch.

  MANDELLA
 That's a charming new development

Kat doesn't answer, but reaches over and puts a tape in the
tape deck.  The sounds of JOYFUL PUNK ROCK fill the car.

As they pull out, Michael crosses in front of them on his
moped. Kat has to SLAM the brakes to keep from hitting him

  KAT
  (yelling)
 Remove head from sphincter!  Then
 pedal!

Michael begins fearfully, pedaling as Kat PEELS out, angry
at the delay.

Cameron rushes over

  CAMERON
 You all right?

He slows to a stop

  MICHAEL
 Yeah, just a minor encounter with the
 shrew.

  CAMERON
 That's her?  Bianca's sister?

  MICHAEL
 The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.

Michael putters off, leaving Cameron dodging Patrick's
grimy, grey Jeep -- a vehicle several years and many paint
jobs away from its former glory as a REGULATION MAIL TRUCK -
- as he sideswipes several cars on his way out of the lot.

INT.  STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

SHARON STRATFORD, attractive and focused, sits in front of
her computer, typing quickly.   A shelf next to her holds
several bodice-ripper romance novels, bearing her name.

Kat stands behind her, reading over her shoulder as she
types.

  KAT
 "Undulating with desire, Adrienne
 removes her crimson cape, revealing her
 creamy --"

WALTER STRATFORD, a blustery, mad scientist-type
obstetrician, enters through the front door, wearing a
doctor's white jacket and carrying his black bag.

  WALTER

I hope dinner's ready because I only have ten minutes before
Mrs. Johnson squirts out a screamer.

He grabs the mail and rifles through it, as he bends down to
kiss Sharon on the cheek.

  SHARON
 In the microwave.

  WALTER
  (to Kat)
 Make anyone cry today?

  KAT
 Sadly, no.  But it's only four-thirty.

Bianca walks in.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Where've you been?

  BIANCA
  (eyeing Walter)
 Nowhere... Hi, Daddy.

She kisses him on the cheek

  WALTER
 Hello, precious.

Walter kisses Bianca back as Kat heads up the stairs

  KAT
 How touching.

Walter holds up a letter to Kat

  WALTER
 What's this?  It says Sarah Lawrence?

Snatches it away from him.

  KAT
 I guess I got in

Sharon looks up from her computer.

  SHARON
 What's a synonym for throbbing?

  WALTER
 Sarah Lawrence is on the other side of
 the country.

  KAT
 I know.

  WALTER
 I thought we decided you were going to
 school here.  At U of 0.

  KAT
 You decided.

  BIANCA
 Is there even a question that we want
 her to stay?

Kat gives Bianca an evil look then smiles sweetly at

  KAT
 Ask Bianca who drove her home

  SHARON
 Swollen...turgid.

  WALTER
  (to Bianca; upset)
 Who drove you home?

Bianca glares at Kat then turns to Walter

  BIANCA
 Now don't get upset. Daddy, but there's
 this boy... and I think he might ask...

  WALTER
 No! You're not dating until your sister
 starts dating.  End of discussion.

  BIANCA
 What if she never starts dating?

  WALTER
 Then neither will you.  And I'll get to
 sleep at night.

  BIANCA
 But it's not fair -- she's a mutant,
 Daddy!

  KAT
 This from someone whose diary is
 devoted to favorite grooming tips?

  WALTER
 Enough!

He pulls out a small tape recorder from his black bag.

  WALTER
  (continuing)
 Do you know what this is?

He hits the "play' button and SHRIEKS OF PAIN emanate from
the tape recorder.

BIANCA AND WALTER
  (in unison, by
  rote)
 The sound of a fifteen-year-old in
 labor.

  WALTER
 This is why you're not dating until
 your sister does.

  BIANCA
 But she doesn't want to date.

  WALTER
 Exactly my point

His BEEPER goes off and he grabs his bag again

  WALTER
  (continuing)
 Jesus!  Can a man even grab a sandwich
 before you women start dilating?

  SHARON
 Tumescent!

  WALTER
  (to Sharon; as he
  leaves)
 You're not helping.

INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY

Cameron sits with an empty chair beside him.  Bianca arrives
in a flurry of blonde hair.

  BIANCA
 Can we make this quick?  Roxanne
 Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an
 incredibly horrendous public break- up
 on the quad.  Again.

  CAMERON
 Well, I thought we'd start with
 pronunciation, if that's okay with you.

BIANCA
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part.  Please.

  CAMERON
  (looking down)
 Okay... then how 'bout we try out some
 French cuisine.  Saturday?  Night?

Bianca smiles slowly

  BIANCA
 You're asking me out.  That's so cute.
 What's your name again?

  CAMERON
  (embarrassed)
 Forget it.

Bianca seizes an opportunity.

  BIANCA
 No, no, it's my fault -- we didn't have
 a proper introduction ---

  CAMERON
 Cameron.

  BIANCA
 The thing is, Cameron -- I'm at the
 mercy of a particularly hideous breed of
 loser.  My sister.  I can't date until
 she does.

  CAMERON
 Seems like she could get a date easy
 enough...

She fingers a lock of her hair.  He looks on, dazzled.

  BIANCA

The problem is, she's completely anti-social.

  CAMERON
 Why?

  BIANCA
 Unsolved mystery.  She used to be
 really popular when she started high
 school, then it was just like she got
 sick of it or something.

  CAMERON
 That's a shame.

She reaches out and touches his arm

  BIANCA
 Gosh, if only we could find Kat a
 boyfriend...

  CAMERON
 Let me see what I can do.

Cameron smiles, having no idea how stupid he is

INT. BIOLOGY CLASS

A frog is being torn asunder by several prongs and picks.
Michael and Cameron go for the spleen.

  MICHAEL
 You're in school for one day and you
 ask out the most beautiful girl?  Do you
 have no concept of the high school
 social code?

Cameron grins away

  CAMERON
 I teach her French, get to know her,
 dazzle her with charm and she falls in
 love with me.

  MICHAEL
 Unlikely, but even so, she still can't
 go out with you.  So what's the
 point?

Cameron motions with his head toward Patrick, a few lab
tables away.  He's wearing biker glasses instead of goggles
as he tries to revive his frog.

  CAMERON
 What about him?

  MICHAEL
  (confused)
 You wanna go out with him?

The others at the lab table raise their eyebrows

  CAMERON
  (impatient)
 No - he could wrangle with the sister.

Michael smiles.  Liking the intrigue.

  MICHAEL
 What makes you think he'll do it?

  CAMERON
 He seems like he thrives on danger

  MICHAEL
 No kidding.  He's a criminal.  I heard
 he lit a state trooper on fire.  He just
 got out of Alcatraz...

  CAMERON
 They always let felons sit in on Honors
 Biology?

  MICHAEL
 I'm serious, man, he's whacked.  He
 sold his own liver on the black market
 so he could buy new speakers.

  CAMERON
 Forget his reputation.  Do you think
 we've got a plan or not?

  MICHAEL
 Did she actually say she'd go out with
 you?

  CAMERON
 That's what I just said

Michael processes this.

  MICHAEL
 You know, if you do go out with Bianca,
 you'd be set.  You'd outrank everyone.
 Strictly A-list.  With me by your side.

  CAMERON
 I thought you hated those people.

  MICHAEL
 Hey -- I've gotta have a few clients
 when I get to Wall Street.

A cowboy flicks the frog's heart into one of the Coffee
Kid's latte.  Cameron presses on, over the melee.

  CAMERON
 So now all we gotta do is talk to him.

He points to Patrick, who now makes his frog hump another
frog, with full-on sound effects.

  MICHAEL
 I'll let you handle that.

INT. WOODSHOP - DAY

Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood

Michael sits next to PEPE, a Coffee Kid, who holds out his
jacket like the men who sell watches in the subway.  Inside
several bags of coffee hang from hooks.

  PEPE
 Some people like the Colombian, but it
 all depends on your acidity preference.
 Me?  I prefer East African and
 Indonesian.  You start the day with a
 Sumatra Boengie or maybe and Ethiopian
 Sidamo in your cup, you're that much
 farther ahead than someone drinkin'
 Cosia Rican or Kona -- you know what I
 mean?

Michael nods solemnly.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Patrick sits at a table with Scurvy, making something that
looks like a machete out of a two-by-four.

Cameron approaches, full of good-natured farm boy cheer

  CAMERON
 Hey, there

In response, Patrick brandishes a loud POWER TOOL in his
direction.

Cameron slinks away.

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 Later, then.

Michael watches, shaking his head.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Joey and his pals take turns drawing boobs onto a cafeteria
tray with a magic marker.

Michael walks up and sits between them, casual as can be

  MICHAEL
 Hey.

  JOEY
 Are you lost?

  MICHAEL
 Nope - just came by to chat

  JOEY
 We don't chat.

  MICHAEL
 Well, actually, I thought I'd run an
 idea by you.  You know, just to see if
 you're interested.

  JOEY
 We're not.

He grabs Michael by the side of the head, and proceeds to
draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker.   Michael
suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.

  MICHAEL
  (grimacing)
 Hear me out.  You want Bianca don't
 you?

Joey sits back and cackles at his drawing.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 But she can't go out with you because
 her sister is this insane head case and
 no one will go out with her. right?

  JOEY
 Does this conversation have a purpose?

  MICHAEL
 So what you need to do is recruit a guy
 who'll go out with her.  Someone who's
 up for the job.

Michael points to Patrick, who makes a disgusted face at his
turkey pot pie before he rises and throws it at the garbage
can, rather than in it.

  JOEY

That guy?  I heard he ate a live duck once.  Everything but
the beak and the feet.

  MICHAEL
 Exactly

Joey turns to look at Michael.

  JOEY

What's in it for you?

  MICHAEL
 Oh, hey, nothin' man   Purely good will
 on my part.

He rises to leave and turns to the others.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 I have a dick on my face, don't I?

INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY

Michael stands at the sink, trying to scrub Joey's artwork
off his face as Cameron watches.

  CAMERON
 You got him involved?

  MICHAEL
 Like we had a choice?  Besides -- when
 you let the enemy think he's
 orchestrating the battle, you're in a
 position of power. We let him pretend
 he's calling the shots, and while he's
 busy setting up the plan, you have time
 to woo Bianca.

Cameron grins and puts an arm around him

  CAMERON
 You're one brilliant guy

Michael pulls back, noticing other guys filing in.

  MICHAEL

Hey - I appreciate gratitude as much as the next guy, but
it's not gonna do you any good to be known as New Kid Who
Embraces Guys In The Bathroom.

Cameron pulls back and attempts to posture himself in a
manly way for the others, now watching.

INT. KENNY'S THAI FOOD DINER - DAY

Kat and Mandella pick apart their pad thai.  Mandella is
smoking.

  KAT
 So he has this huge raging fit about
 Sarah Lawrence and insists that I go to
 his male-dominated, puking frat boy,
 number one golf team school. I have no
 say at all.

  MANDELLA
 William would never have gone to a
 state school.

  KAT
 William didn't even go to high school

  MANDELLA
 That's never been proven

  KAT
 Neither has his heterosexuality.

Mandella replies with a look of ice.  Kat uses the moment to
stub out Mandella's cigarette.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 I appreciate your efforts toward a
 speedy death, but I'm consuming.
  (pointing at her
  food)
 Do you mind?

  MANDELLA
 Does it matter?

  KAT
 If I was Bianca, it would be, "Any
 school you want, precious.  Don't forget
 your tiara."

They both look up as Patrick enters.  He walks up to the
counter to place his order.

Mandella leans toward Kat with the glow of fresh gossip

  MANDELLA
 Janice Parker told me he was a roadie
 for Marilyn Manson.

Patrick nods at them as he takes his food outside.

  KAT
 Janice Parker is an idiot

INT.  MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY

Patrick sits before Miss Perky, eating his Thai food

  MISS PERKY
  (looking at chart)
 I don't understand, Patrick.  You
 haven't done anything asinine this week.
 Are you not feeling well?

  PATRICK
 Touch of the flu.

  MISS PERKY
 I'm at a loss, then.  What should we
 talk about? Your year of absence?

He smiles his charming smile

  PATRICK
 How 'bout your sex life?

She tolerates his comment with her withering glance.

  MISS PERKY
 Why don't we discuss your driving need
 to be a hemorrhoid?

  PATRICK
 What's to discuss?

  MISS PERKY
 You weren't abused, you aren't stupid,
 and as far as I can tell, you're only
 slightly psychotic -- so why is it that
 you're such a fuck-up?

  PATRICK
 Well, you know -- there's the prestige
 of the job title... and the benefits
 package is pretty good...

The bell RINGS.

  MISS PERKY
 Fine.  Go do something repugnant and
 give us something to talk about next
 week.

INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY

Several pairs of tutors and students sit at the various
desks.

Mandella sits with TREVOR, a White Rasta.  She attempts to
get him to do geometry, but he stares at her, as if smitten

  MANDELLA
 Look, it's really easy.

  TREVOR
 You're a freedom fighter. Be proud,
 sister.

Mandella sets down her pencil and closes the book.

  MANDELLA
  (rotely)
 It's Mandella with two L's.  I am not
 related to Nelson Mandela.  I am not a
 political figure.  I do not live in
 South Africa.  My parents just spent a
 few too many acid trips thinking they
 were revolutionaries.

  TREVOR
 But you freed our people

  MANDELLA
 Your "people" are white, suburban high
 school boys who smoke too much hemp.  I
 have not freed you, Trevor.
  (grabbing his arm
  dramatically)
 Only you can free yourself.

ACROSS THE ROOM Bianca and Cameron sit side by side, cozy as
can be

  BIANCA
 C'esc ma tete. This is my head

  CAMERON
 Right.  See?  You're ready for the
 quiz.

  BIANCA
 I don't want to know how to say that
 though.  I want to know useful things.
 Like where the good stores are.  How
 much does champagne cost?  Stuff like
 Chat.  I have never in my life had to
 point out my head to someone.

  CAMERON
 That's because it's such a nice one.

  BIANCA
 Forget French.

She shuts her book and puts on a seductive smile

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 How is our little Find the Wench A Date
 plan progressing?

  CAMERON
 Well, there's someone I think might be
 --

Bianca's eyes light up

  BIANCA
 Show me

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Cameron and Bianca lean against the wall -inconspicuously.
Bianca plays it cool.

  BIANCA
 Give me a sign when he walks by.  And
 don't point.

The bell RINGS.  Kids flood past.  Then Patrick saunters by
with Scurvy.  Cameron nudges Bianca.

  CAMERON
 There.

  BIANCA
 Where?

Out of desperation, Cameron awkwardly lunges across
Patrick's path.  Patrick shoves him back against the wall
without a thought.  Cameron lands in a THUD at Bianca's
feet.

  CAMERON
 I guess he didn't see me
  (calling after
  Patrick)
      Some other time --

Bianca watches Patrick, a wicked gleam in  her eye.

  BIANCA
 My God, he's repulsive. He's so
 perfect!

INT. GYM CLASS - DAY

Several volleyball games are being played.

Joey and a member of his hulking entourage, approach
Patrick, who still manages to look cool, even in gym
clothes.  They pull him aside roughly.

  PATRICK
  (shrugging them
  off)
 What?

Joey points

JOEY See that girl?

Patrick follows his line of vision to Kat as she spikes the
ball into some poor cowboy's face.

  PATRICK
 Yeah

  JOEY
 What do you think?

Kat wins the game and high fives the others, who are scared
of her.

  PATRICK
 Two legs, nice rack...

  JOEY
 Yeah, whatever.  I want you to go out
 with her.

  PATRICK
 Sure, Sparky.  I'll get right on it.

  JOEY
 You just said

  PATRICK
 You need money to take a girl out

  JOEY
 But you'd go out with her if you had
 the cake?

Patrick stares at Joey deadpan.  His dislike for the guy
obvious.

  PATRICK
  (sarcastic)
 Yeah, I'd take her to Europe if I had
 the plane.

Joey smiles.

  JOEY
 You got it, Verona.  I pick up the tab,
 you do the honors.

  PATRICK
 You're gonna pay me to take out some
 girl?

  JOEY
 I can't date her sister until that one
 gets a boyfriend.  And that's the catch.
 She doesn't want a boyfriend.

  PATRICK
 How much?

  JOEY

Twenty bucks each time you take her out.

  PATRICK
 I can't take a girl like that out on
 twenty bucks.

  JOEY
 Fine, thirty.

Patrick raises an eyebrow, urging him up

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 Take it or leave it.  This isn't a
 negotiation.

  PATRICK
 Fifty, and you've got your man.

Patrick walks away with a smile

EXT. FIELD HOCKEY FIELD - DAY

Kat and the rest of the team go through a grueling practice
session.  Kat spares no one as she whips the ball all over
the field.

Patrick sits on the bleachers nearby, watching.  A cigarette
dangles from his mouth.  His pal, SCURVY is next to him.

MR. CHAPIN, the coach, blows the WHISTLE.

  MR. CHAPIN
  (proudly)
 Good run, Stratford.

Kat nods in response, and the girls leave the field. Patrick
hops down to follow.

  PATRICK
 Hey. Girlie.

Kat stops and turns slowly to look at him.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 I mean Wo-man.  How ya doin'?

  KAT
  (smiles brightly)
 Sweating like a pig, actually.  And
 yourself?

  PATRICK
 There's a way to get a guy's attention.

  KAT
 My mission in life.

She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Obviously, I've struck your fancy. So,
 you see, it worked.  The world makes
 sense again.

Patrick's eyes narrow.  He steps closer.

  PATRICK
 Pick you up Friday, then

  KAT
 Oh, right.  Friday.

PATRICK backs up a little.  He uses his most seductive tone

  PATRICK
 The night I take you to places you've
 never been before.  And back.

  KAT
 Like where?  The 7-Eleven on Burnside?
 Do you even know my name, screwboy?

  PATRICK
 I know a lot more than that

Kat stares at him.

  KAT
 Doubtful.  Very doubtful.

She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.

  PATRICK
  (calling after her)
 You're no bargain either, sweetheart.

Scurvy appears at his side

  SCURVY
 So I guess the Jeep won't be getting a
 new Blaupunkt.

ACROSS THE FIELD Cameron and Michael watch.

  MICHAEL
 He took the bait.

STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Kat washes her face at the sink.  Bianca appears behind her,
and attempts to twist Kat's hair into a chignon.

She wacks Bianca away.

  BIANCA
 Have you ever considered a new look? I
 mean, seriously, you could have some
 potential buried under all this
 hostility.

Kat pushes past her into the hallway.

  KAT
 I have the potential to smack the crap
 out of you if you don't get out of my
 way.

  BIANCA
 Can you at least start wearing a bra?

Kat SLAMS her door in response.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Patrick, Scurvy and some other randoms head for the exit

SCURVY You up for a burger?

Patrick looks in his wallet.  It's empty.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Kat stands at her locker, gathering her books.  Patrick
appears at her side, smiling.

  PATRICK
 Hey

Kat doesn't answer

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 You hate me don't you?

  KAT
 I don't really think you warrant that
 strong an emotion.

  PATRICK
 Then say you'll spend Dollar Night at
 the track with me.

  KAT
 And why would I do that?

  PATRICK
 Come on -- the ponies, the flat beer,
 you with money in your eyes, me with my
 hand on your ass...

  KAT
 You -- covered in my vomit.

  PATRICK
 Seven-thirty?

She slams her locker shut and walks away

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT

Kat emerges from a music store carrying a bag of CDs in  her
teeth, and fumbling through her purse with both hands.  She
finds her keys and pulls them out with a triumphant tug.

She looks up and finds Patrick sitting on the hood of her
car

  PATRICK
 Nice ride. Vintage fenders.

Kat takes the bag out of her mouth.

  KAT
 Are you following me?

  PATRICK
 I was in the laundromat. I saw your
 car. Thought I'd say hi.

  KAT
 Hi

She gets in and starts the car.

  PATRICK
 You're not a big talker, are you?

  KAT
 Depends on the topic. My fenders don't
 really whip me into a verbal frenzy.

She starts to pull out, and is blocked by Joey's Viper,
which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.

Joey and his groupies emerge and head for the liquor store

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Hey -- do you mind?

  JOEY
 Not at all

They continue on into the store.  Kat stares at them in
disbelief...

Then BACKS UP

Her vintage fenders CRASH into the door of Joey's precious
Viper.

Patrick watches with a delighted grin Joey races out of the
liquor store.

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 You fucking bitch!

Kat pulls forward and backs into his car again.  Smiling
sweetly.

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

Walter paces as Kat sits calmly on the couch.

  WALTER
 My insurance does not cover PMS

  KAT
 Then tell them I had a seizure.

  WALTER
 Is this about Sarah Lawrence? You
 punishing me?

  KAT
 I thought you were punishing me.

  WALTER
 Why can't we agree on this?

  KAT
 Because you're making decisions for me.

  WALTER
 As a parent, that's my right

  KAT
 So what I want doesn't matter?

  WALTER
 You're eighteen.  You don't know what
 you want.  You won't know until you're
 forty-five and you don't have it.

  KAT
  (emphatic)
 I want to go to an East Coast school! I
 want you to trust me to make my own
 choices.  I want --

Walter's BEEPER goes off

  WALTER
 Christ!  I want a night to go by that
 I'm not staring a contraction in the
 face.

He walks out, leaving Kat stewing on the couch.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Patrick shuts his graffiti-encrusted locker, revealing
Joey's angry visage, glowering next to him.

  JOEY
 When I shell out fifty, I expect
 results.

  PATRICK
 I'm on it

  JOEY
 Watching the bitch trash my car doesn't
 count as a date.

  PATRICK
 I got her under control. She just acts
 crazed in public to keep up the image.

Joey sees through the bluff

  JOEY
 Let me put it to you this way, if you
 don't get any action, I don't get any
 action.  So get your ass on hers by the
 end of the week.

Joey starts to walk off

  PATRICK
 I just upped my price

  JOEY
  (turning)
 What?

  PATRICK
 A hundred bucks a date.

  JOEY
 Forget it.

  PATRICK
 Forget her sister, then.

Joey thinks for a frustrated moment, PUNCHES  the locker,
then peels another fifty out of his wallet with a  menacing
scowl.

  JOEY
 You better hope you're as smooth as you
 think you are, Verona.

Patrick takes the money with a smile.

INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron runs a sentence past Bianca.

  CAMERON
 La copine et I 'ami?  La diferance?

Bianca glares at him.

  BIANCA
 A "copine" is someone you can count on.
 An "ami" is someone who makes promises
 he can't keep.

Cameron closes the French book

  CAMERON
 You got something on your mind?

  BIANCA
 I counted on you to help my cause. You
 and that thug are obviously failing.
 Aren't we ever going on our date?

He melts

  CAMERON
 You have my word.  As a gentleman

  BIANCA
 You're sweet.

She touches his hand. He blushes at her praise and watches
her toss her hair back

  CAMERON
  (appreciative)
 How do you get your hair to look like
 that?

  BIANCA
 Eber's Deep Conditioner every two days.
 And I never, ever use a blowdryer
 without the diffuser attachment.

Cameron nods with interest.

  CAMERON
 You know, I read an article about that.

Bianca looks surprised.

  BIANCA
 You did?

INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY

Patrick stands at the sink, washing his hands Michael and
Cameron cower in the corner, watching him.

  PATRICK
  (without turning
  around)
 Say it

  MICHAEL
  (clearing his
  throat)
 What?

  PATRICK
 Whatever the hell it is you're standin'
 there waitin' to say.

Cameron bravely steps forward

  CAMERON
 We wanted to talk to you about the
 plan.

Patrick turns toward them.

  PATRICK
 What plan?

  MICHAEL
 The situation is, my man Cameron here
 has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.

  PATRICK
 What is it with this chick?  She have
 three tits?

Cameron starts to object, but Michael holds up a hand.

  MICHAEL
 I think I speak correctly when I say
 that Cameron's love is pure.  Purer than
 say -- Joey Dorsey's.

  PATRICK
 Dorsey can plow whoever he wants. I'm
 just in this for the cash.

Cameron starts choking at the thought of Joey plowing his
beloved Bianca.

  MICHAEL
 That's where we can help you.  With
 Kat.

  PATRICK
 So Dorsey can get the girl?

  MICHAEL
 Patrick, Pat, you're not looking at the
 big picture.  Joey's just a pawn. We set
 this whole thing up so Cameron can get
 the girl.

Patrick smiles.  He likes the idea of Joey being a pawn in
this game.

  PATRICK
 You two are gonna help me tame the wild
 beast?

  MICHAEL
  (grinning)
 We're your guys.

  CAMERON
 And he means that strictly in a non-
 prison-movie type of way.

  PATRICK
 Yeah -- we'll see.

He swings the door open and exits, leaving Michael and
Cameron grinning at each other.

  MICHAEL
 We're in.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

CU on a party invitation as it gets handed out.  "Future
Princeton Grad Bogey Lowenstein proudly presents a Saturday
night bash at his abode.  Casual attire".

Michael holds the invitation up to Cameron.

  CAMERON
 This is it.  A golden opportunity.
 Patrick can ask Katarina to the party.

  MICHAEL
 In that case, we'll need to make it a
 school-wide blow out.

  CAMERON
 Will Bogey get bent?

  MICHAEL
 Are you kidding?  He'll piss himself
 with joy.  He's the ultimate kiss ass.

CAFETERIA - DAY

Michael hands a jock the party invite as they pass each
other at the trash cans.

INT.  GYM CLASS - DAY

The jock calls a fellow jock

INT.  MATH CLASS - DAY

Jock whispers to a cheerleader

COURTYARD - DAY

The cheerleader calls a White Rasta that she's making out
with, showing him the invite.

TRACK - DAY

The White Rasta tells a cowboy as they run laps during track
practice.

INT. SHOWERS - DAY

The cowboy Cells a Coffee Kid, as he shields his java from
the spray of the shower.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Joey stands ac his open locker with Bianca.  The locker is
an homage to Joey's "modeling" career.  Cheesy PRINT ADS of
him -- running in a field of daisies, petting a kitten, etc.
-- adorn the locker door.

  JOEY
 Which do you like better?

INSERT - HEADSHOTS of Joey.  In one, he's pouting in a white
shirt.  In the other, he's pouting in a black shirt.

  BIANCA
 I think I like the white shirt

Joey nods thoughtfully.

  JOEY
 It's more

  BIANCA
 Expensive?


  JOEY
 Exactly
  (beat)
 So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's
 thing on Saturday?

  BIANCA
 Hopefully.

He gives her his best flirtatious smile

  JOEY
 Good, 'cause I'm not gonna bother if
 you won't be there.

He taps her on the nose and she giggles

INT. TUTORING ROOM
Bianca sits across from Cameron, who's transfixed, as always

  BIANCA
 Have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's
 party?

  CAMERON
 Sure have.

  BIANCA
  (pouting)
 I really, really, really wanna go, but
 I can't.  Not unless my sister goes.

  CAMERON
 I'm workin' on it. But she doesn't seem
 to be goin' for him.

He fishes.

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 She's not a...

  BIANCA
 Lesbian?  No. I found a picture of
 Jared Leto in one of her drawers, so I'm
 pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex
 tendencies.

  CAMERON
 So that's the kind of guy she likes?
 Pretty ones?

  BIANCA
 Who knows?  All I've ever heard her say
 is that she'd dip before dating a guy
 that smokes.

Cameron furiously takes notes

  CAMERON
 All right.  What else is she partial
 to?

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
Patrick plays pool with some random deviant cronies.

He looks up when he hears a COMMOTION at the door.  LOU the
bouncer is in the midst of throwing Michael and Cameron out.

  PATRICK
 Lou, it's okay.  They're with me.

Lou looks at Patrick, surprised, then reluctantly lets our
two non-deviants pass through.

Patrick guides them to a table and sips from a beer.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 What've you got for me?

  CAMERON
 I've retrieved certain pieces of
 information on Miss Katarina Stratford I
 think you'll find helpful.

Cameron pulls out a piece of paper.

  MICHAEL
  (to Patrick)

One question before we start -- should you be drinking
alcohol when you don't have a liver?

  PATRICK
 What?!

  MICHAEL
 Good enough.

Cameron looks up at Patrick.

  CAMERON
 Number one.  She hates smokers

  MICHAEL
 It's a lung cancer issue

  CAMERON
 Her favorite uncle

  MICHAEL
 Dead at forty-one.

Patrick sits up

  PATRICK
 Are you telling me I'm a -
  (spits the word
  out)
 "non-smoker"?

  MICHAEL
 Just for now.

  CAMERON
 Another thing.  Bianca said that Kat
 likes -- pretty guys.

This is met with silence.  Then:

  PATRICK
 What?  You don't think I'm pretty?

Michael smacks Cameron

  MICHAEL
 He's pretty!

  CAMERON
 Okay!  I wasn't sure

Cameron goes back to the list.

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 Okay -- Likes:  Thai food, feminist
 prose, and "angry, stinky girl music of
 the indie-rock persuasion".

  PATRICK
 So what does that give me?  I'm
 supposed to buy her some noodles and a
 book and sit around listening to chicks
 who can't play their instruments?

  MICHAEL
 Ever been to Club Skunk?

  PATRICK
 Yeah.

  CAMERON
 Gigglepuss is playing there tomorrow
 night.

  PATRICK
 Don't make me do it, man

  MICHAEL
 Assail your ears for one night.

  CAMERON
 It's her favorite band.

Patrick groans

  MICHAEL
 I also retrieved a list of her most
 recent CD purchases, courtesy of
 American Express.

He hands it over.

  PATRICK
  (smiling)
 Michael -- did you get this information
 "illegally"?

Michael puts a finger to his lips.

  MICHAEL
 I prefer to think of it simply as an
 alternative to what the law allows.

  PATRICK
 I'm likin' you guys better

He looks down at the list of CDs.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 This is really music?

INT. KAT'S ROOM - NIGHT

MUSIC BLARES in a room with minimalist decor splashed with
indie rock band posters and flyers.

Kat and Mandella dance as they dress and apply make-up
Bianca enters, interrupting their fun.

  BIANCA
 Can you turn down the Screaming
 Menstrual Bitches?  I'm trying to study.

Kat doesn't move, so Bianca crosses to the stereo, turning
down the volume.

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 Don't tell me you're actually going
 out?  On a school night, no less.

Kat shoots her a glare

  BIANCA
  (continuing;
  excited)
 Oh my God, does this mean you're
 becoming normal?

  KAT
 It means that Gigglepuss is playing at
 Club Skunk and we're going.

  BIANCA
  (disappointed)
 Oh, I thought you might have a date
  (beat)
 I don't know why I'm bothering to ask,
 but are you going to Bogey Lowenstein's
 party Saturday night?

  KAT
 What do you think?

  BIANCA
 I think you're a freak.  I think you do
 this to torture me.  And I think you
 suck.

She smiles sweetly and shuts the door behind her.   Kat
doesn't bat an eye.  She grabs her purse and opens the door

  KAT
 Let's hit it.

EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT

A happy black and white neon skunk sprays fine mist on the
line of kids below.

INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT

Kat and Mandella walk in, Mandella nervously pulling out her
fake ID.  The giant, afroed bouncer, BRUCE, looks typically
mono-syllabic.

  MANDELLA
  (whispering to Kat)
 You think this'll work?

  KAT
 No fear.

They approach Bruce.  Kat puts on her happy, shiny face

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Hello!  We'd like two for Gigglepuss!

Bruce looks the girls up and down.

  BRUCE
 I can count.

He looks at their IDs. Mandella gently moves Kat aside,
wearing a face that could only be described as "I AM a
Victoria's Secret model."

  MANDELLA
 I'll bet you can..

She sticks out her chest and licks her lips.  Bruce stares
at her deadpan and hands her back the IDs.

  BRUCE
 Go ahead.
  (to Mandella)
 And you

  MANDELLA
  (all come hither)
 Yes?

  BRUCE
 Take it easy on the guys in there.

Mandella winks at him and sashays inside   Kat: follows
behind, shaking her head.

EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT

Patrick's mail truck clatters to a stop out front.

INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT

Patrick walks up to Bruce, who's frisking a badly mowhawked
PIERCED EYEBROW BOY.  Bruce pulls a SWITCHBLADE out of the
boy's inside pocket.

  BRUCE
 Next time, leave the Bic at home,
 Skippy.

  SKIPPY
 It's a bottle opener.

Bruce pushes him inside the club, then sees Patrick.

  BRUCE
 Verona, my man.

They shake.

  PATRICK
 Always a pleasure, Brucie.

  BRUCE
 Didn't have you pegged for a Gigglepuss
 fan.  Aren't they a little too pre-teen
 belly-button ring for you?

  PATRICK
 Fan of a fan.  You see a couple of
 minors come in?

  BRUCE
 Never

  PATRICK
 Padua girls.  One tall, decent body.
 The other one kinda short and
 undersexed?

  BRUCE
 Just sent 'em through.

Patrick starts to go in

  BRUCE
  (continuing)
 Hey -- what happened to that chick you
 brought last time?  The one with the
 snake?

Patrick laughs and goes into the club

INT. CLUB - NIGHT

Onstage, the all-female band GIGGLEPUSS is parlaying their
bad girl sass into a ripping punk number.

Near the stage is a joyful mass of pogo-ing teens AT THE BAR

Patrick bellies up and looks around the club. Gigglepuss
finishes a song.

  LEAD SINGER
 Hello, out there.  We're Gigglepuss and
 we're from Olympia.

A teenage boy in the audience takes the opportunity to
scream.

  BOY (0.S.)
 Pet my kitty!

  LEAD SINGER
 Meow

They rev into their next song.

NEAR THE STAGE

Mandella and Kat glow with sweat.  When they hear the
opening chords of the song, they look at each other and
scream with glee as they begin to dance.  They couldn't be
having a better time.

AT THE BAR

Patrick signals to get the bartender's attention and looks
across the bouncing surge of the crowd.  He spots Kat and
Mandella singing along.

HIS POV

The gleeful Kat -- dancing and looking completely at ease.
None of her usual "attitude".  Patrick is transfixed.  And
most definitely attracted.

NEAR THE STAGE Kat looks at Mandella.

  KAT
  (shouting)
 I need agua!

She makes her way through the crowd to the bar. AT THE BAR

She made it.  She signals for the bartender and as she's
waiting, looks around.  She spots Patrick a few feet away

  KAT
  (continuing to
  herself)
 Shit

She sneaks a glance.  He's staring, but this time he looks
away before she can.  Despite herself, she's miffed.

The bartender arrives

BARTENDER
  (shouting)
 What can I get you?

  KAT
 Two waters.

She looks at Patrick again.  He's completely absorbed in the
band.  She scowls.  The bottled water arrives and she
marches off, forgetting to pay.

She walks up to Patrick.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 You're not fooling anyone.

Patrick looks at her, surprised

  PATRICK
  (yelling)
 hey.  Great show, huh?

  KAT
  (yelling)

If you're planning on asking me out you might as well get it
over with.

  PATRICK
  (yelling)
 Excuse me?

  KAT
  (yelling)
 That's what you want, isn't it?

  PATRICK
  (yelling; gesturing
  toward the band)
 Do you mind?  You're sort of ruining it
 for me.

Kat steams.  And watches him watch the band

  KAT
  (yelling)
 You're not surrounded by your usual
 cloud of smoke.

The band takes a break, so they can stop yelling now

  PATRICK
 I know.  I quit.

He leans back, making no attempt to hit on her.  She moves
closer.

  KAT
 Oh, really?

He motions toward the stage

  PATRICK
 You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill
 or The Raincoats, but they're right up
 there.

  KAT
 You know who The Raincoats are?

  PATRICK
 Why, don't you?

She's completely taken aback.  He uses the moment to his
advantage and brushes her hair back as he speaks right into
her ear.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 I watched you out there   I've never
 seen you look like that

Kat steps away, brushing the hair back that he just touched
Her cheeks pinken.

His cocky side is back in a flash

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Come to that party with me.

At that moment, the band starts another SONG

  KAT
  (yelling)
 What?

The bartender approaches.

BARTENDER
  (to Kat, yelling)
 You forgot to pay!

  PATRICK
  (yelling)
 I got it, Rick.

He tosses some bills on the bar

Rather than thank him, Kat simply watches him, trying to
figure out his motive.

  PATRICK
  (continuing;
  yelling)
 Nine-thirty then.

A few people have gotten between them at the bar and she
can't hear a word he's saying.  She gives him one last look
and heads back into the crowd.

Patrick smiles.  She didn't say no this time.

EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT

The crowd files out of the club, Kat and Mandella amongst
them.  A^ they're walking toward the parking lot, Patrick
coasts by in his truck.  The gears GRIND.  He yells out the
window.

  MANDELLA
 What'd he say?

  KAT
 Who cares?

Mandella watches Kat as she stares after Patrick

  MANDELLA
 Has he importun'd you with love in
 honourable fashion?

Kat glances sharply at her.

  MANDELLA
  (continuing; off
  her look)
 Don't be Cruella with me.  I'm in favor
 of romance.  You're the one that wants
 to march on Washington every five
 minutes.

Kat pokes her, then looks back at the club dreamily.

  KAT
 Gigglepuss was so beyond.

Mandella nods.

  MANDELLA
 They were.  I only wish William could
 have been here to witness the rebirth of
 punk rock with us.

Kat links her arm through Mandella's and they head for the
car.

  KAT
 So true.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Cameron and Michael are at Michael's locker.

  CAMERON
 So, then she says that she almost
 didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that
 dress because she thought she was
 mixing, you know, genres. And the fact
 that I noticed -- and I'm quoting here -
 "really meant something."

Cameron looks At Michael expectantly

  MICHAEL
 You told me that part already.

  CAMERON
 Hell, I've just been going over the
 whole thing in my head and -

Joey appears over Cameron's shoulder.

  JOEY
 Hey.  Dingo Boingo

Cameron and Michael look at each other And turn around
slowly

  JOEY
  (continuing; to
  Michael)
 I hear you're helpin' Verona.

  MICHAEL
 Uh,  yeah.  We're old friend*

  JOEY
 You and Verona?

  MICHAEL
 What?  We took bathes together when we
 were kids.

It's incredibly obvious that he's lying.  Joey eyes him then
turns to Cameron.

  JOEY
 What's your gig in all this?

  CAMERON
 I'm just the new guy.

Joey turns back to Michael, grabbing the alligator on his
shirt and twisting it.

  JOEY
 You better not fuck this up.  I'm
 heavily invested.

  MICHAEL
 Hey -- it's all for the higher good
 right?

Joey lets go of Michael and SHOVES Cameron against a locker
for good measure, as he walks away-

  CAMERON
 Is it about me?

EXT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY

Kat sits outside waiting for her appointment, bored and
annoyed.

The door opens and Miss Perky escorts Patrick out

  MISS PERKY
 You're completely demented.

  PATRICK
  (cheery)
 See you next week!

Kat stands and Patrick sees her.

Miss Perky watches in horror

MISS PERKY
You two know each other?

  PATRICK/KAT
 Yeah/No.

Miss Perky grabs Kat and shoves her into her office.

  MISS PERKY
  (to Patrick)
 Dear God, stay away from her.  If you
 two ever decided to breed, evil would
 truly walk the earth.

Patrick gives Kat one last look before the door shuts, then
smiles-

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

The lights are on, illuminating the yard

INT.  STRATFORD HOUSE/UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Bianca and Chastity stand outside Kat's room.  MUSIC is
blaring and the door is shut.  Bianca looks at her watch

  BIANCA
 She's obviously not going.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Across the carpet, two pairs of teenage girl feet sneak
past.  Bianca and Chastity, teddy bear purses in hand.

FROM THE KITCHEN A RUSTLING is heard.  The girls freeze.

Walter emerges from the kitchen with a mile-high sandwich
The girls are like statues.  Walter jumps.

  BIANCA
 Daddy, I --

  WALTER
 And where're you going?

  BIANCA
 If you must know, we were attempting to
 go to a small study group of friends.

  WALTER
 Otherwise known as an orgy?

  BIANCA
 It's just a party. Daddy, but I knew
 you'd forbid me to go since "Gloria
 Steinem" over there isn't going --

She points to Kat -- Walkman blaring -- who comes
downstairs, wearing a baby tee and battered Levis.  Her
relaxing-at-home look is about 400 times sexier than her at-
school look.  She wanders toward the kitchen.

Walter directs his attention toward Kat.

  WALTER
 Do you know about any party? Katarina?

Kat shrugs as she comes back out of the kitchen with an
apple

  BIANCA
 Daddy, people expect me to be there!

  WALTER
 If Kat's not going, you're not going.

Bianca turns to Kat, eyes ablaze

  BIANCA
 You're ruining my life'  Because you
 won't be normal, I can't be normal.

  KAT
 What's normal?

  BIANCA
 Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal, but
 you're too busy listening to Bitches Who
 Need Prozac to know that.

  WALTER
 What's a Bogey Lowenstein?

Kat takes off her earphones, ready to do battle

  BIANCA
 Can't you forget for just one night
 that you're completely wretched?

  KAT
 At least I'm not a clouted fen- sucked
 hedge-pig.

Bianca tosses her hair.

  BIANCA
 Like I'm supposed to know what that
 even means.

  KAT
 It's Shakespeare.  Maybe you've heard
 of him?

  BIANCA
 Yeah, he's your freak friend Mandella's
 boyfriend.  I guess since I'm not
 allowed to go out, I should obsess over
 a dead guy, too.

  WALTER
 Girls

Kat stares Bianca down

  KAT
 I know about the goddamn party.  I'm
 going.

Bianca and Chastity look at each other, thrilled, and burst
into gleeful screams.

A startled Walter clutches Bianca in a protective hug.

  WALTER
 Oh, God.  It's starting.

  BIANCA
 It's just a party. Daddy.

Walter looks dazed.

  WALTER
 Wear the belly before you go.

  BIANCA
 Daddy, no!

  WALTER
 Just for a minute

He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-
pregnancy belly.

  WALTER
  (continuing)
 I want you to realize the weight of
 your decisions.

He hangs the belly on her as she stands mortified.

  BIANCA
 You are so completely unbalanced.

  KAT
 Can we go now?

Scanned by http://freemoviescripts.com
Formatting by http://simplyscripts.home.att.net


  WALTER
  (to Bianca)
 Promise me you won't talk to any boys
 unless your sister is present.

  BIANCA
 Why?

  WALTER
 Because she'll scare them away.

Kat stomps to the door, grabbing her car keys off the hall
table and a sweater from the coat rack. She flings open the
door and...

There stands Patrick.

  PATRICK
 Nine-thirty right?

Kat's in shock

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 I'm early.

She holds up her keys

  KAT
 I'm driving.

He peeks in behind her.

  PATRICK
 Who knocked up your sister?

INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BOGEY, a short Future MBA in a tux, greets his guests like a
pro, handing out cigars and martinis.

  BOGEY
 Nice to see you.  Martini bar to the
 right, shots in the kitchen.

The house is filled to capacity with Padua High's finest Kat
pushes through the crowd.  Patrick saunters in behind her

INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Joey lines up a row of shots amid much whooping and
hollering within the jock crowd.

Kat enters, then quickly tries to make an about face.  Joey
sees her and rushes over to block her, standing in the
doorway.

  JOEY
 Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Kat

Kat gives him a death look and then stops and points at his
forehead.

  KAT
 Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline
 just recede?

He panics, whipping out a handy pocket mirror   She's
already walking away.

  JOEY
 Where ya goin?

  KAT
 Away.

  JOEY
 Your sister here?

Kat's face shows utter hatred

  KAT
 Leave my sister alone.

  JOEY
  (smirking)
 And why would I do that?

A RUCKUS sounds from the next room

  JOCK
 A fight!

The other jocks rush to watch as two Coffee Kids splash
their cupfuls on each other.

  COFFEE KID #1
 That was a New Guinea Peaberry, you
 Folger's-crystals-slurping-buttwipe.

Caffeinated fists fly.  Joey slithers away from the door to
watch, giving Kat one last smirk, just as Bianca walks into
the kitchen.

  JOEY
 Just who I was looking for.

He puts his arm around Bianca and escorts her out

  KAT
  BIANCA

Bianca keeps walking, ignoring Kat

A GUY pouring shots hands Kat one She downs it and accepts
another.

GUY
Drink up, sister.

Patrick walks up

  PATRICK
 What's this?

  KAT
  (mocking)
 "I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that
 what you're supposed to do at a party?

  PATRICK
 I say, do what you wanna do.

  KAT
 Funny, you're the only one

She downs another.

INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Cameron and Michael enter.  Cameron looks, around for his
beloved, while Michael schmoozee with all in attendance and
dishes dirt simultaneously.

  MICHAEL
  (high-fiving a
  jock)
 Moose, my man!
  (to Cameron)
 Ranked fifth in the state. Recruiters
 have already started calling.

Cameron nods intently

  MICHAEL
  (continuing;
  grabbing his belt)
 Yo, Clem.
  (to Cameron)
 A Patsy Cline fan, but hates the new
 Leanne Rimes.
  (with a Jamaican
  swagger)
 Ziggy, peace, bra.
  (to Cameron)
 Prefers a water pipe, but has been
 known to use a bong.

Michael spots Bianca and Chastity, watching the skirmish,
and points Cameron's body in her direction.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 Follow the love, man

ON BIANCA AND CHASTITY Bianca cranes her neck

  BIANCA
 Where did he go?  He was just here.

  CHASTITY
 Who?

  BIANCA
 Joey.

Cameron walks over.

  CAMERON
 Evening, ladies.

Bianca turns and graces him with a pained smile.

  BIANCA
 Hi.

  CAMERON
 Looks like things worked out tonight,
 huh?

Bianca ignores the question and tries to pawn him off

  BIANCA
 You know Chastity?

  CAMERON
 I believe we share an art instructor

  CHASTITY
 Great

  BIANCA
 Would you mind getting me a drink,
 Cameron?

  CAMERON
 Certainly
 Pabst?  Old Milwaukee? RaiJieer?

Bianca gives him a tense smile.

  BIANCA
 Surprise me.

He heads for the kitchen.  Joey walks up and grabs her
around the waist.

She giggles as he picks her up and carries her off -- just
as Cameron returns, a beer -- complete with a napkin and
straw -- in his hand.

Chastity glares with a jealous fury after Bianca and Joey,
then gives Cameron the once-over and walks away.

Michael appears.

  MICHAEL
 Extremely unfortunate maneuver.

  CAMERON
 The hell is that?  What kind of 'guy
 just picks up a girl and carries her
 away while you're talking to her?

  MICHAEL
 Buttholus extremus.  But hey, you're
 making progress.

  CAMERON
 No, I ' m not.

He smacks himself in the head

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 She used me!  She wants to go out with
 Dorsey.  Not me.  I'm an idiot!

Michael pats him on the shoulder.

  MICHAEL
 At least you're self-aware

BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Kat and a crowd of White Rastas and Cowboys stand in a
drunken group hug singing "I Shot the Sheriff".  Kat has
another shot glass in hand.

Patrick is showing a scar to an inebriated, enraptured
cheerleader.  He looks up at Kat and smiles meets his eyes
then looks away.

INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Bianca stands next to Joey, sipping from her beer

  JOEY
 So yeah, I've got the Sears catalog
 thing going -- and the tube sock gig "
 that's gonna be huge.  And then I'm up
 for an ad for Queen Harry next week.

  BIANCA
 Queen Harry?

  JOEY
 It's a gay cruise line, but I'll be,
 like, wearing a uniform and stuff.

Bianca tries to appear impressed, but it's getting
difficult.

  BIANCA
 Neat...

  JOEY
 My agent says I've got a good shot at
 being the Prada guy next year.

He looks over her shoulder and waves at someone.  Bianca
takes the opportunity to escape.

  BIANCA
 I'll be right back.

INT. BOGEY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Bianca shuts the door and leans on it with a sigh.  Chastity
applies lip-gloss in the mirror.

  BIANCA
 He practically proposed when he found
 out we had the same dermatologist. I
 mean. Dr. Bonchowski is great an all,
 but he's not exactly relevant party
 conversation.

  CHASTITY
 Is he oily or dry?

  BIANCA
 Combination.  I don't know -- I thought
 he'd be different.  More of a
 gentleman...

Chastity rolls her eyes

  CHASTITY
 Bianca, I don't think the highlights of
 dating Joey Dorsey are going to include
 door-opening and coat-holding.

  BIANCA
 Sometimes I wonder if the guys we're
 supposed to want to go out with are the
 ones we actually want to go out with,
 you know?

  CHASTITY
 All I know is -- I'd give up my private
 line to go out with a guy like Joey.

There's a KNOCK at the door.  Bianca opens it to find a very
drunken Kat.

  KAT
 Bianca, I need to talk to you -- I need
 to tell you --

  BIANCA
  (cutting her off)
 I really don't think I need any social
 advice from you right now.

Bianca grabs Chastity's arm and they exit

INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT - LATER

Patrick tries to remove a shot glass from Kat's hand.

  PATRICK

Maybe you should let me have it.

Kat is fierce in her refusal to let go

  KAT
 I want another one

Joey enters, grabbing Patrick by the shoulder, distracting
him from his task.

  JOEY
 My man

As Patrick turns, Kat breaks free and dives into the sea of
dancing people in the dining room.

  PATRICK
  (annoyed)
 It's about time.

  JOEY
 A deal's a deal.

He peels off some bills

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 How'd you do it?

  PATRICK
 Do what?

  JOEY
 Get her to act like a human

A very drunken Kat jumps up onto the kitchen island and
starts dancing by herself.  She lets loose, hair flying.
She's almost burlesque.

Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on

She swings her head around BANGING it on a copper pot
hanging from the rack above the center island.  She starts
to sway, then goes down as Patrick rushes over to catch her.

The others CLAP, thinking this is a wonderful finale.
Patrick sets her down on her feet, holding her up

  PATRICK
 Okay?

  KAT
 I'm fine. I'm

She tries to push him away, but staggers when she does grabs
her again, bracing her.

  PATRICK
 You're not okay.

  KAT
 I just need to lie down for awhile

  PATRICK
 Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to
 sleep

  KAT
 I know, just let me sleep

  PATRICK
 What if you have a concussion? My dog
 went to sleep with a concussion and woke
 up a vegetable. Not that I could tell
 the difference...

She tries to sit on the floor

  KAT
 Okay, I'll just sleep but stay awake,
 okay?

He pulls her back to her

  PATRICK
 C'mon, let's walk

INT. BOGEY'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

As Patrick walks Kat through the dining room, Cameron  grabs
his arm.

CAMERON We need to talk.

  PATRICK
 Cameron, I'm a little busy

  CAMERON
 It's off. The whole thing.

Kat slides down to the floor and Patrick struggles to  get h
back on her feet.

  PATRICK
 What 're you talking about?

  CAMERON
 She's partial to Joey, not me

Patrick doesn't have time for this.

  PATRICK
 Cameron -- do you like the girl?

  CAMERON
 Sure

  PATRICK
  (impatient)
 Then, go get her

Patrick continues walking an oblivious Kat outside. Cameron
stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice

EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Patrick marches Kat around the yard, holding her up

  KAT
 This is so patronizing.

  PATRICK
 Leave it to you to use big words when
 you're shitfaced.

  KAT
 Why 're you doing this?

  PATRICK
 I told you

  KAT
 You don't care if I die

  PATRICK
 Sure, I do

  KAT
 Why?

  PATRICK
 Because then I'd have to start taking
 out girls who like me.

  KAT
 Like you could find one

  PATRICK
 See that?  Who needs affection when
 I've got blind hatred?

  KAT
 Just let me sit down.

He walks her over to the swingset and plops her down in a
swing, moving her hands to hang onto the chains.

  PATRICK
 How's that?

She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then
FALLS over backward.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Jesus.  You're like a weeble

Patrick rushes to right her, then starts pushing her on the
swing to keep her entertained.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Why'd you let him get to you?

  KAT
 Who?

  PATRICK
 Dorsey.

  KAT
 I hate him.

  PATRICK
 I know.  It'd have to be a pretty big
 deal to get you to mainline tequila. You
 don't seem like the type.

  KAT
  (holding up a
  drunken head)
 Hey man. . .  You don ' t think I can
 be "cool"?  You don't think I can be
 "laid back" like everyone else?

  PATRICK
  (slightly
  sarcastic)
 I thought you were above all that

  KAT
 You know what they say

He stops the swing

  PATRICK
 No. What do they say?

Kat is asleep, her head resting against the swing's chains.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Shit!

He drags her to her feet and starts singing loudly.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Jingle Bells! Jingle Belles! Wake up
 damn it!

He sits her down on the slide and shakes her like a rag
doll.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Kat! Wake up!

  KAT
  (waking)
 What?

He sighs with relief.

  PATRICK
 I thought you were...

They share some meaningful eye contact. And then she PUKES
on his shoes.

INT. BOGEY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Kat washes her face and grabs a bottle of Scope, taking a
big swig.

A KNOCK sounds at the door

  KAT
 Go away

Bianca opens the door and looks at her sister with the
smuggest of all possible grins.

  BIANCA
 Dinner taste better on the way out?

Gives her a "don't even start" look.

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 I don't get you.  You act like you're
 too good for any of this, and then you
 go totally apeshit when you get here.

  KAT
 You're welcome.

She pushes past her and leaves the bathroom.

KAT'S CAR - NIGHT

Kat's in the driver's seat.  Patrick leans in and takes the
keys out of the ignition.

  PATRICK
 Cute

BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kids loiter on the lawn.  Bianca and Chastity walk outside
Joey catches up to them.

  JOEY
 A bunch of us are going to Jaret's
 house.  Wanna come?

Chastity looks at Bianca, who wears a pained expression.
She looks at her watch.

  BIANCA
 I have to be home in twenty minutes.

  CHASTITY
  (eagerly, to Joey)
 I don't have to be home 'til two.

  JOEY
 Then, c'mon.
  (to Bianca)
 Maybe next time --

They head back into the party, leaving an astonished Bianca

Cameron exits the party and stops when he sees Bianca
standing alone.

  CAMERON
  (slightly
  accusatory)
 Have fun tonight?

  BIANCA
 Tons

He starts to walk on

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 Cameron?

He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 Do you think you could give me a ride
 home?

INT. KAT'S CAR - NIGHT

Patrick drives as Kat sits in the passenger seat, fiddling
with the radio dial.  She finds a SONG she's happy with and
Patrick quickly changes it.

  PATRICK
 I'm driving, so I get to pick the
 tunes.

She changes it back to her song.

  KAT
 It's my car.

He changes it back.

  PATRICK
 And I'm in control of it.

  KAT
 But it's Gigglepuss - I know you like
 them.  I saw you there.

Patrick doesn't have an answer for this, so he let's her
listen to her song.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 When you were gone last year -- where
 were you?

  PATRICK
 Busy

  KAT
 Were you in jail?

  PATRICK
 Maybe.

  KAT
 No, you weren't

  PATRICK
 Then why'd you ask?

  KAT
 Why'd you lie?

He doesn't answer, but instead, frowns and turns up the
music.  She bobs her head drunkenly.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 I should do this.

  PATRICK
 Do what?

  KAT
 This.

She points to the radio

  PATRICK
 Start a band?

  KAT
  (sarcastically)
 My father wouldn't approve of that that

  PATRICK
 You don't strike me as the type that
 would ask permission.

She turns to look at him.

  KAT
 Oh, so now you think you know me?

  PATRICK
 I'm gettin' there

Her voice loses it's venom

  KAT
 The only thing people know about me is
 that I'm "scary".

He turns to look at her -- she looks anything but scary
right now.  He tries to hide his smile.

  PATRICK

Yeah -- well, I'm no picnic myself.

They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection,
realizing they're both created the same exterior for
themselves.

Patrick pulls into her driveway and shuts off the motor.  He
looks up at her house.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 So what ' s up with your dad?  He a
 pain in the ass?

  KAT
 He just wants me to be someone I'm not.

  PATRICK
 Who?

  KAT
  BIANCA

  PATRICK
 No offense, but you're sister is
 without.  I know everyone likes her and
 all, but ...

Kat stares at him with new admiration.

  KAT
 You know -- you're not as vile as I
 thought you were.

She leans drunkenly toward him.

Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then
Patrick turns away

  PATRICK
 So, I'll see you in school

Kat stares at him, pissed.  Then gets out of the car,
SLAMMING the door shut behind her.

CAMERON'S CAR - NIGHT

Bianca and Cameron ride in silence.
He finally breaks it.

  CAMERON
 I looked for you back at the party, but
 you always seemed to be "occupied".

  BIANCA
  (faux-innocence )
 I was?

  CAMERON
 You never wanted to go out with 'me,
 did you?

Bianca bites her lip.

  BIANCA
  (reluctant)
 Well, no...

  CAMERON
 Then that's all you had to say.

  BIANCA
 But

  CAMERON
 You always been this selfish?

BIANCA thinks a minute

He pulls up in front of the house

  CAMERON
 Just because you're beautiful, doesn't
 mean you can treat people like they
 don't matter.

She looks at him for a moment -- then grabs his face and
gives him a kiss on the lips.  He draws back in surprise,
then kisses her back.  She smiles, then gets out of the car
without another word.

Cameron grins and drives away

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 And I'm back in the saddle.

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Kat sits at her desk, burying her face in a book as the
others enter.  The White Rastas are first.

  DEREK
 Kat, my lady, you sway to the rhythm of
 my heart.

He grabs her hand and kisses it as she pulls it away.

CLEM, a cowboy, enters, high-fiving Derek with new-found
friendliness.

  CLEM
 Yippe kai-aye, bra.
  (to Kat)
 Dance for me, cowgirl.

He sits next to Derek

  CLEM
  (continuing)
 Okay, now tell me again why he didn't
 shoot the deputy?

  DEREK
 Because the deputy meant him no harm,
 my friend.  It was only the sheriff that
 was the oppressor.

Joey saunters in and takes his seat.

  JOEY
 Kat, babe, you were on fire.

Mrs. Blaise enters and sits at her desk

  MRS. BLAISE
 Well now, did everyone have a good
 weekend?

  JOEY
 Maybe we should ask Verona

Patrick enters, late, and slinks to his desk.  Kat looks up,
down and around, everywhere but at Patrick.

Mrs. Blaise tries to remember what she's supposed to talk
about.

  MRS. BLAISE
 Okay then.  Well.
  (beat)
 Oh, yes

She clears her throat.

  MRS. BLAISE
  (continuing)
 I'd like you all to write your own
 version of Shakespeare's Sonnet #141.

Groans.

  MRS. BLAISE
  (continuing)
 Any form you'd like.  Rhyme, no rhyme,
 whatever.  I'd like to see you elaborate
 on his theme, however. Let's read it
 aloud, shall we? Anyone?

The class is frozen in apathy.

  MRS. BLAISE
  (continuing)
 Derek?

Ms. Blaise hands him the sonnet. He shifts uncomfortably in
his seat. Then grins.

  DEREK
  (reading; in his
  Rasta stoner drawl)
 In faith, I do not love thee with mine
 eyes/ For they in thee a thousand errors
 note/ But 'tis my heart that loves what
 they despise/ Who in despite of view is
 pleas 'd to dote.

In the back of the room Clem raises his hand

  CLEM
 Ms. Blaise, can I get the bathroom
 pass?  Damn if Shakespeare don't act as
 a laxative on my person.

INT. KENNY'S THAI FOOD DINER - DAY
Kat and Mandella scrape the peanuts out of their sauce.

  MANDELLA
 You went to the party?  I thought we
 were officially opposed to suburban
 social activity.

  KAT
 I didn't have a choice.

  MANDELLA
 You didn't have a choice?  Where's Kat
 and what have you done with her?

  KAT
 I did Bianca a favor and it backfired.

  MANDELLA
 You didn't

  KAT
 I got drunk.  I puked.  I got rejected.
 It was big fun.

Patrick enters, walking to the counter to order. He sees Kat
and smiles.

  PATRICK
 Hey

She gathers her things and bolts out the door.  Patrick
looks at Mandella, who shrugs and follows Kat.

INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY Cameron and Michael flank Patrick
at his lab table

  MICHAEL
 So you got cozy with she who stings?

  PATRICK
 No - I've got a sweet-payin' job that
 I'm about to lose.

  CAMERON
 What'd you do to her?

  PATRICK
 I don ' t know.
  (beat)
 I decided not to nail her when she was
 too drunk to remember it.

Michael and Cameron look at each other in realization, then
turn back to Patrick.

  CAMERON

You realize this puts the whole operation in peril.

  PATRICK

No shit.  She won't even look at me

  CAMERON

Why can't you just tell her you're sorry?

Patrick's expression says that this is not a possibility.
Michael makes a time out sign with his hands.

  MICHAEL
 I'm on it

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Mandella is at her locker.  Drawings of William Shakespeare
adorn the door.  She looks at them with a sigh, then ties
her silk scarf tightly around her neck, in an attempt to cut
off her air supply.

Michael walks up.

  MICHAEL
 Hey there.  Tired of breathing?

  MANDELLA
  (shyly, as she
  loosens the scarf)
 Hi.

  MICHAEL
 Cool pictures.  You a fan?

  MANDELLA
 Yeah.  I guess.

MICHAEL rocks.  Very hip.

  MANDELLA
 You think?

  MICHAEL
 Oh yeah.

She looks at him suspiciously

  MANDELLA
 Who could refrain that had a heart to
 love and in that heart, courage to make
 ' B love known?

Michael thinks for a minute.

  MICHAEL
 Macbeth, right?

  MANDELLA
  (happily stunned)
 Right.

  MICHAEL
 Kat a fan, too?

  MANDELLA
  (puzzled)
 Yeah...

He leans in close to her, conspiratorially

  MICHAEL
 So, listen... I have this friend

EXT. FIELD HOCKEY FIELD - DAY

Cameron sits next to Patrick on the bleachers as they watch
Kat's practice.

  CAMERON
 She hates you with the fire of a
 thousand suns .  That's a direct quote

  PATRICK
 She just needs time to cool off I'll
 give it a day.

A PUCK flies at them from the field, narrowly missing their
heads.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Maybe two.

He looks at Cameron.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 You makin' any headway?

  CAMERON
 She kissed me.

  PATRICK
  (eyebrow raised)
 Where?

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Chastity rounds the corner and bends down to get a drink
from the water fountain.

NEARBY

Joey stands talking to two JOCK COHORTS.  The guys don't see
her.

  JOEY
 Don't talk to me about the sweetest
 date.  That little halo Bianca is gonna
 be prone and proven on prom night.  Six
 virgins in a row.

The cohorts chortle Chastity keeps drinking from the
fountain

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Joey leans against Patrick's Jeep.  Patrick is inside.

  PATRICK
 I don't know, Dorsey. ..the limo.-the
 flowers.  Another hundred for the tux --

  JOEY
 Enough with the Barbie n' Ken shit. I
 know.

He pulls out his wallet and hands Patrick a wad of money

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 Take it

Patrick does, with a smile, as he ROARS out of the parking
lot.

INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Kat and Mandella deface a prom flyer.

  KAT
 Can you even imagine?  Who the hell
 would go to this a bastion of commercial
 excess?

  MANDELLA
 Well, I guess we're not, since we don't
 have dates .

  KAT
 Listen to you!  You sound like Betty,
 all pissed off because Archie is taking
 Veronica.

  MANDELLA
 Okay, okay, we won't go.  It's not like
 I have a dress anyway

  KAT
 You ' re looking at this from the wrong
 perspective.  We're making a statement.

  MANDELLA
  (unconvinced)
 Oh, good.  Something new and different
 for us.

EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY

Mr. Chapin patrols as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets

Joey swaggers up to Bianca, who is taking careful aim.
Chastity watches from across the row.

  JOEY
 Hey, sweet cheeks.

  BIANCA
  (not looking at
  him)
 Hi, Joey.

  JOEY
 You're concentrating awfully hard
 considering it's gym class.

She lets the arrow go and turns to look at him.

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 Listen, I want to talk to you about the
 prom.

  BIANCA
 You know the deal.  I can ' t go if Kat
 doesn't go --

In the background, a RASTA crumples to the ground.  Hit
A casualty of Gym.  Mr. Chapin scurries over.

  JOEY
 Your sister is going.

Bianca looks at him, surprised

  BIANCA
 Since when?

Joey takes the bow and arrow from Bianca's hand.  He draws
back and takes aim.

  JOEY
 I'm taking care of it.

Chastity looks over from her spot on the field, but keeps
lips firmly shut.

INT. BOOK STORE - DAY

Kat browses through the feminist lit section
Patrick appears, through a hole in the books.

  PATRICK
 Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine
 Mystique?  I lost my copy.

  KAT
  (frowning)
 What are you doing here?

  PATRICK
 I heard there was a poetry reading.

  KAT
 You 're so --

  PATRICK
 Pleasant?

Kat stares at him, deadpan.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Wholesome.

  KAT
 Unwelcome.

  PATRICK
 Unwelcome?  I guess someone still has
 her panties in a twist.

  KAT
 Don't for one minute think that you had
 any effect whatsoever on my panties.

  PATRICK
 So what did I have an effect on ?

  KAT
 Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.

She pushes past him and heads out the' door
Pat looks down at the book he's been holding in his hand:
Taming of the Shrew.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Cameron  and Michael flank Patrick as he shovels food into
mouth.

  PATRICK
 You were right. She's still pissed.

  MICHAEL
 Sweet love, renew thy force!

  PATRICK
 Man -- don't say shit like that to  me.
 People can hear you.

  CAMERON
  (exasperated)
 You humiliated the woman! Sacrifice
 yourself on the altar of dignity and
 even the score.

  MICHAEL
 Best case scenario, you're back on the
 payroll for awhile.

  PATRICK
 What's the worst?

  CAMERON
 You get the girl.

Patrick  thinks for a minute

  PATRICK
 If I go down. I'm takin' her with me

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Kat and the other students sit at their desks, taking a quiz
Patrick's seat is conspicuously empty.

From outside, we hear the soft, unsure beginnings of a SONG.
Kat looks up, then out the window, HORRIFIED.

The song grows louder until we realize it's The Partridge
Family's "I Think I Love You".  Being sung by Patrick.

  PATRICK
  (0. S.)
 "This morning, I woke up with this
 feeling, I didn't know how to deal with,
 and so I just decided to myself--"

The STUDENTS rush to the window. OUTSIDE Patrick stands
beneath the window, crooning.

Scurvy is next to him, keeping the beat on the bongos and
doing backup vocal s.

  PATRICK
 "I'd hide it to myself.  And never talk
 about it.  And didn't I go and shout it
 when you walked into the room --"

He makes quite a sarcastic show of it.

IN THE CLASSROOM

Mrs. Blaise touches her heart, as if the song is for her.
Kat slowly walks to the window, peeking below.

OUTSIDE

Patrick smiles at her as he finishes the verse with a big
finale.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 " I think I love you I "

INSIDE

The other students laugh, clap, cheer, etc. Kat sinks down,
mortified, but with a slight smile

INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY

Patrick and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling
over their misfortune.

  MISCREANT
 Nice song, Verona.

  PATRICK
 Flog me.

He makes the appropriate hand gesture

Mr. Chapin, the gym teacher, sits at the desk in front,
ignoring them while he reads a girly weightlifting magazine

  KAT (0. S.)
 Excuse me, Mr. Chapin?

Patrick looks up at the sound of her voice and sees Kat
standing in the doorway.  She gives him a smile and he perks
up a little.

Kat walks into the room and addresses Mr. Chapin again. He
turns fully to face her.

  KAT
 Sir, I'd like to state for the record
 that Mr. Verona ' s current
 incarceration is unnecessary.  I never
 filed a complaint.

  MR. CHAPIN
 You didn't have to.  He disrupted a
 classroom.

Kat glances over at Patrick and motions her head toward the
window.

Patrick shrugs, not knowing what she ' s talking about.

She motions again, and looks toward the window with an
expression that says, "Make a break for it, moron."

Kat brings her attention back to Mr. Chapin while Patrick
inches out of his seat toward the window.

The other miscreants watch with glee.

  KAT
 But, Mr. Chapin, I hardly think a
 simple serenade warrants a week of
 detention.  There are far more hideous
 acts than off-key singing being
 performed by the student body on a
 regular basis.

Patrick is halfway out the window now.  And none too happy
about it, considering they're on the second floor.

He eyes a large TREE a few feet away from MR. CHAPIN.  He
starts to turn away from Kat

  MR. CHAPIN
 You're not gonna change my mind, Kat.
 Rules stick.

Kat starts to panic, as Patrick has yet to make the jump for
the tree.

  KAT
 Wait, Mr. Chapin.  There's something
 I've always wanted to show you.

He turns back toward her again, the very second before he
would have spotted Patrick.

Kat glances toward the window.  Patrick's just about to make
the jump.

  MR. CHAPIN
 What?

  KAT
 These.

From behind, we see her lift up her shirt and flash her bra
at Mr. Chapin, just as Patrick makes the Jump.

The miscreants cheer, for both the daring' escape and the
flash of skin.

Mr. Chapin reddens and tries to be stern.

  MR. CHAPIN
 I'm going to let that slide, Katarina.
 But if I catch you doing that again,
 you'll be in here with the rest of these
 guys.

He motions to the remaining detention prisoners, without
noticing Patrick's absence.

Kat smiles at him.

  KAT
 Thank you, Mr. Chapin.

Kat bolts out the door.  Mr. Chapin goes back to his muscle
mag, wiping the sweat from his brow.

EXT. SCHOOL CAMPUS LAWN

Kat arrives at the tree. looking around breathlessly, seeing
no one.

  KAT
 He left!  I sprung the dickhead and he
 cruised on me.

  PATRICK
  (0. S.)
 Look up, sunshine

She does.  He's still in the tree

  PATRICK
 I guess I never told you I'm afraid of
 heights.

  KAT
  (smiling)
 C'mon.  It's not that bad

  PATRICK
 Try lookin' at it from this angle

She assesses the branch structure

  KAT
 Put your right foot there --

  PATRICK
 Forget it.  I'm stayin'.

  KAT
 You want me to climb up and show you
 how to get down?

  PATRICK
  (voice trembling)
 Maybe.

She sighs and dose so.  When she gets to his level, she
perches on the branch next to him.  He grins at her.

Then swings himself down with the grace and ease of a
monkey, leaving her sitting there, realizing she's been
duped.

  KAT
 You shit!

She climbs down after him

EXT. OUTDOOR ARCADE - DAY

Patrick and Kat walk amongst the games

  KAT
 The Partridge Family?

  PATRICK
 I figured it had to be something
 ridiculous to win your respect.  And
 piss you off.

  KAT
 Good call.

  PATRICK
 So how'd you get Chapin to look the
 other way?

  KAT
 I dazzled him with my wit

She stops and picks up a toy gun that SHOOTS water at
giggling hyenas and wails on it.  The barker hands her a
stuffed animal as her prize.  She hands it to the small KID
next to her and they continue walking.

  PATRICK
  (sarcastic)
 A soft side? Who knew?

  KAT
 Yeah, well, don't let it get out

  PATRICK
 So what's your excuse?

  KAT
 Acting the way we do.

  PATRICK
 Yes

  KAT
 I don't like to do what people expect.
 Then they expect it all the time and
 they get disappointed when you change.

  PATRICK
 So if you disappoint them from the
 start, you're covered?

  KAT
 Something like that

  PATRICK
 Then you screwed up

  KAT
 How?

  PATRICK
 You never disappointed me.

She blushes under his gaze

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 You up for it?

  KAT
 For. . . ?

He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game. She grins
SERIES OF SHOTS:

The two of them creep through the paint-ball course,
stealthy and full of the desire to best the other.

Patrick nails Kat in the back with a big glob of red paint
Kat gets him in the chest with a glob of blue.

Patrick returns fire with a big yellow splat to the side of
her face.

Kat squirts a green shot to his forehead After a few more
shots, they're both covered in paint

She tries to shoot him again, only to find that her gun is
empty.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Damn it!

Patrick grabs her in a victorious tackle.  They land,
laughing.

It's hard to even recognize them, as their hair and faces
are so smeared with paint globs, but they still manage to
find each other's eyes.

He wipes a smear of blue paint away from her lips,  as he
goes to kiss her.

NEARBY The kid with the stuffed animal, points

  KID
 Look, Mom

His mother hurries him away. What's started as a tackle has
turned into a passionate kiss

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

Patrick pulls up in Kat's driveway.  Their paint wardrobe
has dried by now and they look like refugees from some
strange, yet colorful, war.

  KAT
 State trooper?

  PATRICK
 Fallacy.

  KAT
 The duck?

  PATRICK
 Hearsay.

  KAT
 I know the porn career's a lie.

He shuts off the car and turns to her.

  PATRICK
 Do you?

He kisses her neck.  It tickles.  She laughs.

  KAT
 Tell me something true.

  PATRICK
 I hate peas.

  KAT
 No -- something real.  Something no one
 else knows.

  PATRICK
  (in-between kisses)
 You're sweet.  And sexy.  And
 completely hot for me.

  KAT
 What?

  PATRICK
 No one else knows

  KAT
 You're amazingly self-assured. Has
 anyone ever told you that?

  PATRICK
 Go to the prom with me

Kat's smile disappears.

  KAT
 Is that a request or a command?

  PATRICK
 You know what I mean

  KAT
 No.

  PATRICK
 No what?

  KAT
 No, I won't go with you

  PATRICK
 Why not?

  KAT
 Because I don't want to. It's a stupid
 tradition.

Patrick sits quietly, torn. He can't very well tell her he
being paid to take her.

  PATRICK
 People won't expect you to go...

Kat turns to him, getting angry.

  KAT
 Why are you doing this?

  KAT
 All of it -- what's in it for you?

He sits silently, not looking at her, confirming her
suspicions.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 Create a little drama?  Start a new
 rumor?  What?

  PATRICK
 So I have to have a motive to be with
 you?

  KAT
 You tell me.

  PATRICK
 You need therapy.  Has anyone ever told
 you that?

  KAT
  (quietly)
 Answer the question, Patrick

  PATRICK
  (angry)
 Nothing!  There's nothing in it for me.
 Just the pleasure of your company.

He takes out a cigarette.  She breaks it in half before she
SLAMS the car door and walks into the house.

Patrick PEELS out of the driveway. Kat turns at the front
door and watches him go

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Patrick pulls up to a stop light and waits for .the green

He glances over at A DRUNKEN HOMELESS GUY in the median, who
has decided that he doesn't need to wear pants.

Patrick pulls out his wallet, takes the wad of money Joey
gave him and hands it to the homeless guy.

  PATRICK
 cover that up

The light turns green and Patrick pulls away

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Kat stands at the sink, scrubbing paint off of her face
Bianca TAPS on the open door.

  BIANCA
 Quick question -- are you going to the
 prom?

Kat pushes the door shut with a SLAM

INT. STUDY HALL - DAY

Cameron and Bianca sit together at their study cubby.  She
fingers a strand of her hair.

  BIANCA
 Then Guillermo says, "If you go any
 lighter, you're gonna look like an extra
 on 90210."

  CAMERON
 No...

Bianca stares at him for a moment.

  BIANCA
 do you listen to this crap?

  CAMERON
 What crap?

  BIANCA
 Me.  This endless ...blonde babble. I'm
 like, boring myself.

  CAMERON
 Thank God!  If I had to hear one more
 story about your coiffure...

He mock stabs himself with a pencil as she giggles and
smacks his hand away.

  CAMERON
  (continuing)
 I figured you'd get to the good stuff
 eventually.

  BIANCA
 What good stuff?

  CAMERON
 The "real you".

  BIANCA
 Like my fear of wearing pastels?

He looks stricken.

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 I'm kidding.
  (beat)
 You know how sometimes you just become
 this "persona"?  And you don't know how
 to quit?

  CAMERON
  (matter of fact)
 No

  BIANCA
 Okay -- you're gonna need to learn how
 to lie.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Mandella struggles with the lock on her locker.  Finally, it
opens.

Hanging inside is a beautiful DRESS, inspired by the 16th
Century.  Mandella slowly unpins a NOTE from the dress.

INSERT - "0 FAIR ONE.  JOIN ME AT THE PROM.  I WILL BE
WAITING.  LOVE, WILLIAM S."

Mandella's agog.  Trevor walks by and sees her holding the
dress.

  TREVOR
 You're gonna look splendiferous in
 that, Mandella.

Mandella looks up sharply, shaken from her reverie.

  TREVOR
  (continuing)
 that's cool to say.

Mandella grins It is

  MANDELLA

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/DEN - DAY

Sharon is at her computer, Walter at his exercise bike

  SHARON
 Would you rather be ravished by a
 pirate or a British rear admiral?

  WALTER
 Pirate -- no question.

Bianca enters and walks over to Walter

  BIANCA
 Daddy, I want to discuss the prom with
 you. It's tomorrow night --

  WALTER
 The prom?  Kat has a date?

  BIANCA
 No, but

  WALTER
 It's that hot rod Joey, right? That ' s
 who you want me to bend my rules for?

  BIANCA
 He's not a "hot rod".  Whatever that
 is.

  WALTER
 You're not going unless your sister
 goes.  End of story.

  BIANCA
 Fine.  I see that I'm a prisoner in my
 own house.  I'm not a daughter. I'm a
 possession!

Bianca storms out.

  WALTER
  (calling out)
 You know what happens at proms?

Sharon stops her typing and looks up at Walter

  SHARON
 They'll dance, they'll kiss, they'll
 come home.  Let her go.

  WALTER
 Kissing?  Is that what you think
 happens?  Kissing isn't what keeps me up
 to my elbows in placenta all day.

INT. BIANCA'S ROOM - NIGHT

Bianca lies on her bed.  MTV blares.  A KNOCK sounds.

BIANCA
Come in.

Kat enters and sits down on the bed, muting the TV.

  KAT
  (kindly)
 Listen, I know you hate having to sit
 home because I'm not Susie High School.

  BIANCA
 Like you care.

  KAT
 I do care. But I'm a firm believer in
 doing something for your own reasons,
 not someone else ' s .

  BIANCA
 I wish I had that luxury. I'm the only
 sophomore that got asked to the prom and
 I can't go, because you won ' t.

Kat clears her throat

  KAT
 Joey never told you we went out, did
 he?

  BIANCA
 What?

  KAT
 In 9th.  For a month

  BIANCA
  (confused)
 Why?

  KAT
  (self-mocking)
 He was, like, a total babe

  BIANCA
 But you hate Joey

  KAT
 Now I do.  Back then, was a different
 story.

  BIANCA
 As in...

Kat takes a deep breath.

  KAT
 He said everyone was doing it.  So I
 did it.

  BIANCA
 You did what?

  KAT
  (continuing on)
 Just once.  Afterwards, I told him I
 didn't want to anymore.  I wasn't ready.
 He got pissed.  Then he broke up with
 me.

Bianca stares at her, dumbfounded

  BIANCA
 But

  KAT
 After that, I swore I'd never do
 anything just because "everyone else"
 was doing it.  And I haven't since.
 Except for Bogey's party, and my
 stunning gastro-intestinal display --

  BIANCA
  (stunned)
 Why didn't you tell me?

  KAT
 I wanted to let you make up your own
 mind about him.

  BIANCA
 No. you didn't!  If you really thought
 I could make my own decisions, you
 would've let me go out with him instead
 of helping Daddy hold me hostage.

Kat stands up slowly

  KAT
 That's not

  BIANCA
 I'm not stupid enough to repeat your
 mistakes.

  KAT
 I guess I thought I was protecting you.

  BIANCA
 God, you're just like him! Just keep me
 locked away in the dark, so I can't
 experience anything for myself

  KAT
 Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
 You can't always trust the people you
 want to.

  BIANCA
 I guess I'll never know, will I?

She rises and holds the door open for Kat, then slams it
behind her.

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

A sprinkler cruises the lawn.

INT. KAT'S ROOM - DAY

Kat lies in bed, staring at the ceiling.  She rolls over and
picks up the phone.

BIANCA'S ROOM - DAY

Bianca, still in her pajamas, eats a bowl of cereal while
watching "I Love Lucy" reruns.

A KNOCK sounds

  BIANCA
 Come in.

Kat opens the door and peers in with a grin

  KAT
 Feel like shopping?

Bianca looks up, hopefully.

LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Walter and Sharon are in front of the television.  Walter
has the TV Guide in hand, glasses on.

  WALTER
 What do you wanna watch?  We've got
 crap, crap, crap or crap

  SHARON
 Dr. Ruth?

Bianca walks into the living room.  She's wearing a prom
dress.

  BIANCA
 Hi, Mommy.
  (looking away)
  WALTER

Walter scurries takes off his glasses and looks from Bianca
to Sharon.

  SHARON
 Honey, you look beautiful!

  BIANCA
 You like?  My date should be here in
 five.

  WALTER
 I'm missing something.

  BIANCA
 I have a date, Daddy.  And he ' s not a
 captain of oppression like some men we
 know.

The DOORBELL RINGS.  Bianca runs to open it.  There stands
CAMERON.  He takes in Bianca's outfit.

  CAMERON
 Wow

  BIANCA
 Let's go.

Walter rises.  Sharon pulls him back down on the couch

  SHARON
  (to Bianca)
 Have a great time, honey!

  WALTER
 But -- who -- what --?

The door SLAMS.  As Sharon looks at Walter with a grin, a
blur rushes down the stairs and out the door.  The blur has
Kat ' s voice.

  KAT
 Hey, guys. I'm going to the prom. See
 you in a few.

The door SLAMS again.  Walter and Sharon 'are alone

  WALTER
 What just happened?

  SHARON
 Your daughters went to the prom.

  WALTER
 Did I have anything to say about it?

  SHARON
 Absolutely not.

  WALTER
 That ' s what I thought

The DOORBELL RINGS again. Walter opens it to find Joey on
the porch, wearing a tux.

  JOEY
 I'm here to pick up Bianca.

  WALTER
 late

He SLAMS the door shut

EXT  HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Kat pulls up in her car, emerging resplendent in an ice
gown.

Patrick sits on the steps, waiting.  In a tux.

  KAT
 How'd you get a tux at the last minute?

  PATRICK
 It's Scurvy's.  His date got convicted.
 Where'd you get the dress?

  KAT
 It's just something I had.  You know

  PATRICK
  (smiling)
 Oh huh

  KAT
 Look, I'm  -- sorry -- that I
 questioned your motives.  I was wrong.

Patrick winces slightly, but covers it with a smile

  PATRICK
 No prob.

He remains seated.  Kat fidgets nervously.

  KAT
 are you ready?

He rises and stares at her, taking in her image
appreciatively.  She blushes and turns away.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 C'mon.  Let's get this over with.

INT.  PROM - NIGHT

A hotel ballroom transformed into a fantasy world.  Patrick
and Kat enter, Kat attempting to deny the romance of it.

  KAT
 Quite the ostentatious display

A cowboy two-steps by them, dragging some poor girl around

  PATRICK
 Look, Clem even wore his good boots

Kat steps forward, looking around and spots Cameron and
Bianca dancing cheek to cheek.  She smiles.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Mandella enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,
hair piled on top of her head.  She spots Kat and hurries
over.

  MANDELLA
 Have you seen him?

  KAT
 Who?

  MANDELLA
 William - he asked me to meet him here.

  KAT
 Oh, honey -- tell me we haven't'
 progressed to full-on hallucinations.

Patrick looks toward the door and taps Kat.  She turns and
points Mandella the same way.

Michael - in full Shakespearean dress with a new goatee on
his chin - bows in their direction. Mandella's grin couldn't
be bigger.

Michael swashbuckles over to them, taking Mandella's hand
and leading her onto the dance floor.

  MICHAEL
 Mi' lady.

  (to Patrick)
 Good sir.

Patrick rolls his eyes.

INT.  PROM - NIGHT - LATER

Kat and Patrick dance to a slow SONG.  Whatever he's
whispering into her ear is making her laugh.

Cam and Bianca dance nearby, glowing with happiness. She
whispers something in his ear and heads for the ladies' room

INT. LADIES ROOM - NIGHT

Bianca walks in, positively radiant. Chastity emerges from a
stall.

  BIANCA
  (surprised)
 What are you doing here?

Chastity checks her hair in the mirror,  aloof.

  CHASTITY
 You think you ' re the only sophomore
 at the prom?

  BIANCA
 I did.

Chastity maintains her snooty tone.

  CHASTITY
 And just so you know, my date isn't
 planning on spending most of the night
 in his backseat.

BIANCA What're you talking about?

  CHASTITY
 Joey Dorsey is only after one thing - -
 your cherry. He practically made a
 public announcement.

Appalled, Bianca storms out. Chastity  tries to backpedal.

  CHASTITY
  (continuing)
 I wanted to tell you

INT.  PROM - NIGHT

Joey, drunk, disorderly and pissed off, walks in with a few
stray jocks - also dateless.  He zeroes in on Cameron, now
consoling a pissed-off Bianca.

Patrick and Kat continue to slow dance, oblivious to the
evil about to erupt.

  PATRICK
 My grandmother's .

  KAT
 What?

  PATRICK
 That's where I was last year.  She'd
 never lived alone -- my grandfather died
 -- I stayed with her.  I wasn't in jail,
 I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I've
 never slept with a Spice Girl.  I spent
 a year sitting next to my grandma on the
 couch watching Wheel of Fortune.  End of
 story.

He takes a breath and looks away, not meeting her eyes. Kat
stares at him for a moment and laughs a delighted laugh

  KAT
 That ' s completely adorable!

  PATRICK
 It gets worse -- you still have your
 freshman yearbook?

He's interrupted by Joey's hand on his shoulder.

  JOEY
 What's Bianca doing here with that
 cheese dick?  I didn't pay you to let
 some little punk ass snake me.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Michael spots the altercation and dances Mandella over to
Cameron and Bianca.

  MICHAEL
  (to Cameron)
 Feces hitting fan.  C'mon

Michael takes Cameron aside, leaving Mandella and Bianca
staring after them.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Michael and Cameron approach Joey as he continues to taunt
Patrick who keeps quiet, realizing the weight of this
situation.

  MICHAEL
  (continuing)
 Joey, pal, compadre.  Let's take it
 easy.

Joey turns toward Michael and Cameron.

JOEY You two are in big trouble

Cameron faces Joey.

  CAMERON
 Admit it.  You lost.  Be a man.

Joey PUNCHES Cameron in the face, taking him by surprise
Cameron holds his nose as it bleeds onto his tux

The various cliques descend angrily and Joey is soon
surrounded by seething Cowboys, Coffee Kids and White
Rastas.

  DEREK
 Very uncool, my brother

  JOEY
 I'm not your brother, white boy.

The other Rastas GASP, as if stung by the realization that
they're white.

Joey turns back to Patrick and Kat.

  JOEY
  (continuing)
 Just so you know -- she'll only spread
 her legs once.

Kat looks from Joey to Patrick, not sure what she's hearing.
Joey pushes through the crowd but a HAND drags him back.
It's Bianca.  And she BELTS the hell out of him

  BIANCA
 That's for making my date bleed

She BELTS him again

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 That's for my sister.

And AGAIN

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 And that's for me.

Cliques now descend on Joey, punching him wildly.

  COWBOY
 And that's for the fourth grade,
 asshole.

HOTEL - NIGHT

KAT runs down the stairs, Patrick chasing her

  PATRICK
 Wait I...

  KAT
 You were paid to take me out!  By --
 the one person I truly hate.  I knew it
 was a set-up!

  PATRICK
 It wasn't like that.

  KAT
 Really?  What was it like?  A down
 payment now, then a bonus for sleeping
 with me?

  PATRICK
 I didn't care about the money.

He catches up to her now

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 I cared about --

She turns to face him with a countenance more in sorrow than
in anger.

  KAT
 You are so not what I thought you were.

He grabs her and kisses her to shut her up.  After a second,
she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.

Bianca stands at the top of the stairs, watching.  She's
never looked more guilty.

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

Kat is sprawled on the couch in sweats, wrapped in a
blanket, watching "Sixteen Candles".  When Molly Ringwald
leans across the birthday cake to get a kiss from her dream
date, Kat changes the channel disgustedly, settling for an
infomercial

The phone sits next to her.  Not ringing.  Bianca breezes
in, bearing a cup of tea.

  BIANCA
 Are you sure you don't want to come
 with us?  It'll be fun.

Kat takes the tea and gives a weak smile.

  KAT
 I ' m sure .

Bianca sits down next to her

  BIANCA
 You looked beautiful last night, you
 know.

  KAT
 So did you

Bianca gives her a squeeze, then jumps up when the DOORBELL
rings, opening the door to a waiting Cameron.  He peeks his
head inside.

  CAMERON
 She okay?

  BIANCA
 I hope so.

The door shuts behind her as Walter enters.

  WALTER
 Was that your sister?

  KAT
 Yeah.  She left with some bikers Big
 ones.  Full of sperm.

  WALTER
 Funny.

Walter sits down on the arm of the chair and watches the
infomercial with Kat.

  WALTER
  (continuing)
 I don't understand the allure of
 dehydrated food.  Is this something I
 should be hip to?

  KAT
 No, Daddy.

  WALTER
  (dreading the
  answer)
 So tell me about this dance. Was it
 fun?

  KAT
 Parts of it.

  WALTER
 Which parts?

  KAT
 The part where Bianca beat the hell out
 of some guy.

  WALTER
 Bianca did what?

  KAT
 What's the matter?  Upset that I rubbed
 off on her?

  WALTER
 No -- impressed.

Kat looks up in surprise.

  WALTER
  (continuing)
 You know, fathers don't like to admit
 that their daughters are capable of
 running their own lives.  It means we've
 become spectators.  Bianca still lets me
 play a few innings.  You've had me on
 the bleachers for years.  When you go to
 Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to
 watch the game.

  KAT
  (hopeful)
 When I go?

  WALTER
 Oh, Christ.  Don't tell me you've
 changed your mind.  I already sent 'em a
 check.

Kat reaches over and gives him a hug

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Kat stands grabs a box of cornflakes
from the food line.

  CAMERON (0. S.)
 Katarina?

She turns and looks at him

  CAMERON
 I'd like to express my apologies.

  KAT
 For what?

  CAMERON
  (looking down)
 I didn't mean for you to get -- When
 Bianca asked me to find you a boyfriend,
 I had no idea it would turn out so --
 ugly. I would never have  done anything
 to compromise your - - -

He trails off when he realizes she's thrown her food tray
against the wall and marched off -- the old "kill, kill"
look back in her eyes.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Kat stomps up the hallway, full of menace

CLASSROOM - DAY

Bianca's English teacher perches on the edge of a desk, open
book in hand.

  TEACHER
 Who can tell me at what point Lucentio
 admits his deception?

The door of the classroom FLIES open and an angry Kat stalks
in, yanking Bianca from her chair and dragging her toward
the hallway.

  KAT
  (to the teacher)
 Family emergency.

HALLWAY - DAY

Bianca tries to pull away as Kat drags her by the hair
between two rows of lockers.

  BIANCA
 Let go!

  KAT
 You set me up.

  BIANCA
 I just wanted --

  KAT
 What? To completely damage me?  To send
 me to therapy forever? What?

  BIANCA
 No! I just wanted

Miss Perky walks up

  MISS PERKY
 Ladies?  Shall we take a trip to my
 office?

INT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY

Miss Perky stares at both sisters as they sit before her,
then focuses on Bianca.

  MISS PERKY
 So you're the real bitch

  BIANCA
 Yes!  Okay?  Yes -- I'm the real bitch.
 I wanted her to get a boyfriend so I
 could.  Apparently, this makes me a
 horrible person.  I'm sorry.

She turns to Kat.

  BIANCA
  (continuing)
 I swear -- I didn't know about the
 money.  I didn't even know Joey was
 involved.  I would never intentionally
 hurt you, Kat.

  MISS PERKY
  (to Kat)
 Do you care to respond?

  KAT
 Am I supposed to feel better? Like,
 right now?  Or do I have some time to
 think about it?

  MISS PERKY
 Just smack her now.

Bianca rises, taking Kat by the arm.

  BIANCA
  (to Miss Perky)
 We'll be getting back to you.

  MISS PERKY
 What, no hug?

HALLWAY - DAY

And Bianca leave Miss Perky's office

  BIANCA
 Is that woman a complete fruit-loop or
 is it just me?

  KAT
 It's just you.

ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Mrs. Blaise faces the class

  MRS. BLAISE
 All right.  I'm assuming everyone found
 time to compose, their poems. Except for
 Mr. Dorsey, who's still in ICU.

Nerds in the back high-five each other.

  MRS. BLAISE
  (continuing)
 Would anyone care to read theirs aloud?

No one moves.  Then Kat slowly stands up.

  KAT
 I'11 go

Patrick looks up.

  MRS. BLAISE
 Oh, Lord.

She downs a couple Prozac

  MRS. BLAISE
  (continuing)
 Please proceed.

Kat stands, puts on her glasses, and takes a deep breath
before reading from her notebook.

  KAT
 I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
 way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
 you drive my car/ I hate it when you
 stare.

She pauses, then continues

  KAT
  (continuing)
 I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
 the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
 much it makes me sick/ it even makes me
 rhyme.

She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.

  KAT
  (continuing)
 I hate the way you're always right/ I
 hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
 make me laugh/ even worse when you make
 me cry/ I hate it that you're not
 around/ and the fact that you didn't
 call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
 t hate you/ not even close, not even a
 little bit, not even any at all.

She looks directly at Patrick.  He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.

Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.

EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Kat walks to her car alone. When she opens the door, she's
greeted with a Fender Stratocaster guitar, reclining in the
front seat.

She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, then spins
around.

Patrick stands there, smiling.

  KAT
 A Fender Strat. You bought this?

  PATRICK
 I thought you could use it. When you
 start your band.

She doesn't answer, but hides a smile, so he walks  closer.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 Besides, I had some extra cash. Some
 asshole paid me to take out a really
 great girl.

  KAT
 Is that right?

  PATRICK
 Yeah, but then I fucked up. I fell for
 her.

Blushes and looks down.

  PATRICK
  (continuing)
 You know -- it's not every day you find
 a girl who'll flash her tits to get you
 out of detention.

Looks up. surprised and embarrassed that he found out

He takes her upturned face as a sign to kiss her and he does
She lets him this time.

Then breaks it off

  KAT
 You can't just buy me a guitar every
 time you screw up, you know.

He grimaces.

  PATRICK
 I know

He quiets her with another kiss Which she breaks off again.

  KAT
 And don't just think you can

He kisses her again, not letting her end it this time.

STRATFORD HOUSE - SUNSET

We hear the sounds of MUSIC and LAUGHTER.

STRATFORD HOUSE/BACKYARD - SUNSET

Patrick is at the barbecue grill, flipping burgers.  Kat
watches.

  KAT
 Why is my veggie burger the only burnt
 object on this grill?

  PATRICK
 Because I like to torture you.

  KAT
 Oh, Bianca?  Can you get me my freshman
 yearbook?

  PATRICK
 Don ' t you even dare. . .

ON BIANCA AND CAMERON As they argue on the patio.

  CAMERON
 They do to!

  BIANCA
 They do not!

Rises to get the yearbook.

  CAMERON
 Can someone please tell her that
 sunflower seeds come from sunflowers?

ON MICHAEL AND MANDELLA

Severely making-out in a lawn chair.  She comes up for a
breath.

  MANDELLA
 I can't remember a word of Shakespeare
 right now. Isn't that weird?

Michael pulls her back down for another round ON KAT AND
PATRICK

She tries to keep him from grabbing the yearbook that Bianca
now hands her.

  KAT
 You're freaked over this, aren't you?

Bianca hands her the yearbook

  BIANCA
 He's more than freaked.  He's froke

Flips to a page.

  KAT
 I'd like to call your attention to
 Patrick Verona's stunning bad-ass look
 of 1995 ---

INSERT - A horrifically nerdy freshman year picture Glasses,
bad hair, headgear -- the works.

She holds up the picture for all to view. Patrick cringes
and throws a handful of pretzels at her.

  BIANCA
 Patrick -- is that- a.

  KAT
 Perm?

  PATRICK
 Ask my attorney.

Kat and Bianca huddle over the picture, giggling --  as we
CRANE UP and hear a GIRLY PUNK version of The Partridge
Family's "I Think I Love You".

FADE OUT:

END